For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By GrahamB
#1819459
avtur3 wrote:Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the .....

Sadly, I don't think I can post the remainder of this joke ... :lol:

A bit like the new Ford Pubic, made out of recycled Corsairs.
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By Miscellaneous
#1819755
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
T6Harvard, flybymike, akg1486 and 6 others liked this
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By Rob L
#1819927
Castaways

One day a man decided to retire. So he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she docks the boat at a small hand-built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It's not much, but I call it home.”

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you!" the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

He stares into her eyes, not believing what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a motocycle?”
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By Trent772
#1822264
It's been a while and believe me, they do not get any better !!!!!!




I bought a racehorse called 'Creosote'
He's very good over fences.

Headline in a Southern Irish newspaper.....
'Cork man drowns'

Thieves stole our new tree from the front garden......................
..bring back the birch I say.


I’ve just got back from the doctor. He said I’ve got to have an earring made. Strange thing to say.


I can hear music coming from under my house. I think it might be the foundations!
(Wow that is bad even for me)


I’m just sitting pondering the big questions in life:
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


We used to call my grandad Spiderman, not because he had any special powers it's just he couldn't get out of the bath.


I always remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket,he said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"


I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, you just put the money in the bag !!


I opened the front door to the gas man. "He said I need to take a reading " I said "why are you so out of breath?"
He said "cos I've just done 100 meters"


A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !


The bloody dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling her name for 20 mins & still couldn't find her. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the bloody dog.


I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.
So I went on a Refresher course.


Did you know that all the seasons of the year are named after coiled pieces of metal? Except for summer and autumn. Oh and winter.


There was a hard frost this morning when I took my tractor to do some ploughing.
I thought I could hear tubular bells...
But it was just my cold field.


This chap goes into the library and saw these books jumping up and down, he said, what's going on?, they said, 'its OK, they're just exercise books'!.


When I took my driving test, the examiner asked me what the overall stopping distance was at 30mph.
"It depends what you hit!" I replied.


I got arrested for stealing a complete set of The Encyclopedia Britannica. I said, 'Hang on, I can explain everything'.


I woke up this morning to some great singing coming from the garden-when I switched on the radio the weatherman said it was "three degrees outside!!"


Fact:
Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?


Some bugger has just stolen my dictionary, now I'm lost for words.


A neighbour saw a prehistoric monster running off with it:
The Saurus.


Asked my Barber what cut would make me more attractive, Power cut was not the answer I was expecting.


Ford Motors once produced cars in Egypt. Shifts ran from 2pm through to 10pm. Workers were commonly known as the two ten car men.


I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”


I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower, I think I might have florets syndrome


Every now and then I like to dress up in old nuns outfits and watch Bruce Willis movies.... I guess you could say old habits die hard


Never do your trousers up whilst singing Disney songs.....ive zippered my doodah


I've been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.


I've found a Chip shop that serves fish on photo copier paper. It's a little plaice on the A4


If you ever have trouble keeping those mini headphones in place I can recommend a clip round the ear.


I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.


A bloke on a tractor just drove past shouting. The end is nigh. I think it was Farmer Geddon.


When a bear takes a dump is it called a Winnie.?


As I lay there, bruised and broken, with the burning and twisted wreckage of my car surrounding me, the officer strolled up to me and, with a sarcastic tone, said 'been drinking, have we sir?' 'Yes', I replied wincing through the pain.
'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'.


A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”


Fact
Did you know that piranha can devour a child down to their bones in less than 30 seconds
And on a side note I lost my job at the aquarium yesterday.


A cop stopped a lady and asked her name
She said M M M M MARY
He said do you stutter
She said No but my dad did and the person who filled out the birth certificate was an asshole


My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..
After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence


I started playing for a new football team this weekend. The manager said "I'm going to put you up front to begin with and then I'll pull you off at half time""That's very nice of you" I said. "My last Manager just used to give us an orange.


OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet !

A 71-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbour ?
The old man replied "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Sad to grow old


Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
It's a little fit bunny........


A Government warning said that anyone travelling in these weather conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a hat, scarf & gloves), 24hr supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch (with spare batteries), safety triangle, snow chains, tow rope, spare petrol, first aid kit, jump leads.... I looked like a right **** on the bus this morning!!!


Crossword competition in the Irish post
£500 for the first correct entry sent in to our office.
Those of you doing it for fun the answers are on page 26.


Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.


Told my daughter I'm becoming addicted to Facebook and What's App. ?
She said it's that sticky stuff you find on trees.


My friend found his first grey pubic hair tonight, it was on his kebab


My Welsh mate passed away yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go, peacefully in his sheep.


An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back”.


As some of you know I've been trying to sell my pet python for a while now, well last night I had a phone call
Bloke: Hi are you still selling the snake
Me: Yes mate
Bloke: How much you asking
Me: £300
Bloke: How big is it
Me: Its massive mate
Bloke: How many feet
Me: None, it's a snake
Phone goes dead


I was in the hospital and this nurse said to me:
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
Wi' murd'ring pattle!"

It was the Burns Unit.


My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
T6Harvard, Charles Hunt, nallen and 10 others liked this
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