Mon Jan 25, 2021 10:19 pm
It's been a while and believe me, they do not get any better !!!!!!
I bought a racehorse called 'Creosote'
He's very good over fences.
Headline in a Southern Irish newspaper.....
'Cork man drowns'
Thieves stole our new tree from the front garden......................
..bring back the birch I say.
I’ve just got back from the doctor. He said I’ve got to have an earring made. Strange thing to say.
I can hear music coming from under my house. I think it might be the foundations!
(Wow that is bad even for me)
I’m just sitting pondering the big questions in life:
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
We used to call my grandad Spiderman, not because he had any special powers it's just he couldn't get out of the bath.
I always remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket,he said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, you just put the money in the bag !!
I opened the front door to the gas man. "He said I need to take a reading " I said "why are you so out of breath?"
He said "cos I've just done 100 meters"
A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !
The bloody dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling her name for 20 mins & still couldn't find her. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the bloody dog.
I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.
So I went on a Refresher course.
Did you know that all the seasons of the year are named after coiled pieces of metal? Except for summer and autumn. Oh and winter.
There was a hard frost this morning when I took my tractor to do some ploughing.
I thought I could hear tubular bells...
But it was just my cold field.
This chap goes into the library and saw these books jumping up and down, he said, what's going on?, they said, 'its OK, they're just exercise books'!.
When I took my driving test, the examiner asked me what the overall stopping distance was at 30mph.
"It depends what you hit!" I replied.
I got arrested for stealing a complete set of The Encyclopedia Britannica. I said, 'Hang on, I can explain everything'.
I woke up this morning to some great singing coming from the garden-when I switched on the radio the weatherman said it was "three degrees outside!!"
Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?
Some bugger has just stolen my dictionary, now I'm lost for words.
A neighbour saw a prehistoric monster running off with it:
Asked my Barber what cut would make me more attractive, Power cut was not the answer I was expecting.
Ford Motors once produced cars in Egypt. Shifts ran from 2pm through to 10pm. Workers were commonly known as the two ten car men.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”
I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower, I think I might have florets syndrome
Every now and then I like to dress up in old nuns outfits and watch Bruce Willis movies.... I guess you could say old habits die hard
Never do your trousers up whilst singing Disney songs.....ive zippered my doodah
I've been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
I've found a Chip shop that serves fish on photo copier paper. It's a little plaice on the A4
If you ever have trouble keeping those mini headphones in place I can recommend a clip round the ear.
I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.
A bloke on a tractor just drove past shouting. The end is nigh. I think it was Farmer Geddon.
When a bear takes a dump is it called a Winnie.?
As I lay there, bruised and broken, with the burning and twisted wreckage of my car surrounding me, the officer strolled up to me and, with a sarcastic tone, said 'been drinking, have we sir?' 'Yes', I replied wincing through the pain.
'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'.
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”
Did you know that piranha can devour a child down to their bones in less than 30 seconds
And on a side note I lost my job at the aquarium yesterday.
A cop stopped a lady and asked her name
She said M M M M MARY
He said do you stutter
She said No but my dad did and the person who filled out the birth certificate was an asshole
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..
After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence
I started playing for a new football team this weekend. The manager said "I'm going to put you up front to begin with and then I'll pull you off at half time""That's very nice of you" I said. "My last Manager just used to give us an orange.
OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet !
A 71-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbour ?
The old man replied "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Sad to grow old
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
It's a little fit bunny........
A Government warning said that anyone travelling in these weather conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a hat, scarf & gloves), 24hr supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch (with spare batteries), safety triangle, snow chains, tow rope, spare petrol, first aid kit, jump leads.... I looked like a right **** on the bus this morning!!!
Crossword competition in the Irish post
£500 for the first correct entry sent in to our office.
Those of you doing it for fun the answers are on page 26.
Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.
Told my daughter I'm becoming addicted to Facebook and What's App. ?
She said it's that sticky stuff you find on trees.
My friend found his first grey pubic hair tonight, it was on his kebab
My Welsh mate passed away yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go, peacefully in his sheep.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back”.
As some of you know I've been trying to sell my pet python for a while now, well last night I had a phone call
Bloke: Hi are you still selling the snake
Me: Yes mate
Bloke: How much you asking
Bloke: How big is it
Me: Its massive mate
Bloke: How many feet
Me: None, it's a snake
Phone goes dead
I was in the hospital and this nurse said to me:
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
Wi' murd'ring pattle!"
It was the Burns Unit.
My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q