It's Sunday and I'm bored..... Enjoy
Ever played silent tennis ? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket .
Cengiz Ünder who plays for Leicester City, isn't the only sportsman in his family, his brother Uppan is famous in the world of Rugby.
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters and even my jeans.
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"
Last time I went to a nightclub, I got turned away by the bouncers. They said I'd had "a few too many". I said, "I've only had 3 pints" but one of them replied, "birthdays pal, birthdays..
Went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said " that must have been a big bull"
The barman " That bull killed my grandfather"
I said " Was he a bullfighter? "
He said " No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him! "
Remember the days when you could switch the vacuum cleaner from suck to blow ? Keeping the house tidy was more fun then.
Tier 1: children's entertainers permitted at any event
Tier 2: children's entertainers permitted at birthday party only
Tier 3: children's entertainers banned
Tiers of a clown.
What do we want?
A cure for short term memory loss
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
7. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
8. In 1696, William III of England introduced a property tax that required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy. In order to avoid the tax, house owners would brick up all windows except six. (The Window Tax lasted until 1851, and older houses with bricked-up windows are still a common sight in the U.K.) As the bricked-up windows prevented some rooms from receiving any sunlight, the tax was referred to as “daylight robbery”!
How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call Mrs from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get Mrs to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 ) Wrap cat in large towel and get mrs to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to Mrs forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get Mrs to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Damn car frozen again this morning - any one else been having trouble getting ice off the windscreen?
I've been using a store discount card but I'm only getting 20% off!
Police have warned that a gang selling stolen t-shirts are still at large.
Put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...
I saw my ex-wife earlier with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe how much he looked like me when we were together....... Miserable.
So I was sat down last night when my granddaughter randomly asked me where poo comes from? So after explaining the ins and outs of it she asked me with an absolute look of horror in his face “And what about Tigger”
Teacher: David, give me a sentence with the word 'laminate' in.
Me: I've just bought nine kebabs, chicken in one and laminate.
Mr Sinatra, we just got an order for 100 Wildebeest sandwiches.
Well then…. “Start spreading the Gnus"
My first wife was an American Indian descent, she was called five horses, or as I found out later nag nag nag nag nag.
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q