So, I'm just back from the doctor's and have been diagnosed with a fear of giants.
Apparently I have feefiphobia
Do tent manufacturers sales teams go out canvassing? And do they take exit poles.
I got pulled over by a female police officer..
When I wound the window down to ask what was wrong she said..
“NOTHING”
After my prostrate exam the doctor left the room and the nurse entered...
She then uttered the five words no man wants to hear..
.”who the heck was that?”
My friend started choking the other day, and she turned blue.
Which got me thinking.
If you choked a Smurf, what colour would it go?
The film version of the biography of Eddie Stobart is gripping, I've just seen the trailer....
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
My mate who has a really bad stutter was telling me earlier about his Nana. We ended up singing "Hey Jude".
Two bears were seen leaving the house of Mr and Mrs Woods.
The female bear said “ What did you do that for?”
Trying out a new thong, but I'm not much of a thinger, thadly.
You are all aware that protons have mass.
Me, ,, I didn't even know they were Catholics.
I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize...
So, I was walking along the street when I looked in our local pet shop. In the window was a cat, with a sign saying “genuine Netherlands cat”. Well I've had cats for years, and I’ve never heard of a cat from the Netherlands, or anything similar”. So I went into the shop, and asked the shopkeeper,
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window”.
"I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm".
My wife asked what the female version of a man cave is, I said a kitchen, it's OK doc says bruising will go down in a few days.
FLYER Club Member
Fri Jul 17, 2020 10:00 pm
#1784267
Guy Gibson “Hello Chiefy, all ready for tonight’s op then?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Almost ready, sir – just one or two small issues to sort out.”
Guy Gibson “Issues? Whatd’yer mean, issues?”
”Chiefy” Powell: “Well the engines need sorting sir, they’ve all been playing up”
Guy Gibson “Playing up!? – The Merlin is the single most reliable engine of the war, for Chrisake!”
”Chiefy” Powell “Well, they’ve been running rough and having “deferred success” after about an hour with the new fuel, you see – and, ahem, could you not refer to a deity like that, sir? The squadron’s Ecumenical Council is very concerned that we don’t offend those with a differing religious bias – The Multi-Faith Chaplains were most particular on that point”
Guy Gibson “Deferred success?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Precisely sir! Station Commander’s Standing Orders – engines and pilots don’t “fail” any more – the word promotes low self-worth negative feelings sir”
Guy Gibson “ Well, what’s all this about ‘new fuel’???”
”Chiefy” Powell “Unleaded sir. A petrol engine meeting theEuro IV emission standards and using petrol meeting the Euro IV specification will emit 46% less nitrogen oxides, 50% less hydrocarbons and 56% less carbon monoxide. 100 octane – sorry, RON100 - is out.
Guy Gibson “Hmmph – well is ‘G for George’ bombed up yet?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Er, no sir. The Health and Safety Executive discovered that the bomb, er sorry, the IED, was filled with RDX High Explosive and the chemical toilet on the same aircraft had caustic soda in it”
Guy Gibson “So?!!”
”Chiefy” Powell “ICAO Dangerous Goods regulations, sir – can’t carry the two together” … and it’s ‘G’ for ‘Gay’ now sir”
Guy Gibson “Jesu .. I mean Golly, no, Gosh! – well has the route been finalised?”
”Chiefy” Powell“ Nearly done sir! Apart from re-routing away from the island of Borkum.”
Guy Gibson “ What!”
”Chiefy” Powell “RSPB have been on sir, it seems there’s a breeding colony of Storm Petrels on it and it’s more than our job’s worth to go near it, quite apart from the GreenPeace trawler monitoring any deviation – Oh, and Leutnant Otto Brayk of Jagdeschwader 52 has sent an email to say he and his boys are looking forward to meeting you over Gilze-Rijen Airfield”
Guy Gibson “My God .. I mean Gracious! Has some bast… er, who’s opened their mouth and talked?”
”Chiefy” Powell “No-one, sir – it’s in the flight-plan. I filed it this morning. You do know that to fly VFR over the Netherlands at night the Dutch Ministerie van Verkeer en Waterstaat require a plan – you should have done it last week but I phoned and they said it’ll be OK this once. And not below 2000 feet in the Amsterdam FIR please sir. The Green party are very big there now.”
Guy Gibson “Well, we’ll see about that – is my kit ready? My Mae West?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Water Flotation Device if you please, sir – Bomber Command’s Harassment co-coordinator has renamed it – Mae West has too many sexual connotations.
Guy Gibson “ Well where are my flying gloves … and my helmet?”
”Chiefy” Powell “They were kid-leather sir!! – 5 Group’s Animal-Rights Officer nearly had a fit! And no helmets any more I’m afraid – can’t get a Turban under them.”
Guy Gibson “This is just too much! You’ll be saying that I can’t get to the dams next!”
”Chiefy” Powell “Funny you should mention that Sir, Brussels Flow Control says that there is likely to be holding at the MOHNE waypoint – and there is the issue of sufficient fuel. You can’t enter the Dusseldorf FIR with less than 20mins extra, and that makes the Lanc. really tight on gas.”
Guy Gibson “Look here, Chiefy, if I don’t get back I’d like you to have my next egg – and bury my poor dog outside my office at midnight would you?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Eggs are a “non-featured item” of the menu at this time sir – the Group Healthy-Living Food-Diversity Task-Force have been concerned that as the Food Standards Agency’s ‘Guidance on the Egg Products Regulations 1993’ is currently being revised, that we as a forward-thinking, pro-active unit should show the way to the rest of the Service …………………. And er, sir….
Guy Gibson WHAT??!!
”Chiefy” Powell “The squadron Ethnicity Monitoring Team would like you to re-name your dog.”
”Chiefy” Powell “Almost ready, sir – just one or two small issues to sort out.”
Guy Gibson “Issues? Whatd’yer mean, issues?”
”Chiefy” Powell: “Well the engines need sorting sir, they’ve all been playing up”
Guy Gibson “Playing up!? – The Merlin is the single most reliable engine of the war, for Chrisake!”
”Chiefy” Powell “Well, they’ve been running rough and having “deferred success” after about an hour with the new fuel, you see – and, ahem, could you not refer to a deity like that, sir? The squadron’s Ecumenical Council is very concerned that we don’t offend those with a differing religious bias – The Multi-Faith Chaplains were most particular on that point”
Guy Gibson “Deferred success?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Precisely sir! Station Commander’s Standing Orders – engines and pilots don’t “fail” any more – the word promotes low self-worth negative feelings sir”
Guy Gibson “ Well, what’s all this about ‘new fuel’???”
”Chiefy” Powell “Unleaded sir. A petrol engine meeting theEuro IV emission standards and using petrol meeting the Euro IV specification will emit 46% less nitrogen oxides, 50% less hydrocarbons and 56% less carbon monoxide. 100 octane – sorry, RON100 - is out.
Guy Gibson “Hmmph – well is ‘G for George’ bombed up yet?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Er, no sir. The Health and Safety Executive discovered that the bomb, er sorry, the IED, was filled with RDX High Explosive and the chemical toilet on the same aircraft had caustic soda in it”
Guy Gibson “So?!!”
”Chiefy” Powell “ICAO Dangerous Goods regulations, sir – can’t carry the two together” … and it’s ‘G’ for ‘Gay’ now sir”
Guy Gibson “Jesu .. I mean Golly, no, Gosh! – well has the route been finalised?”
”Chiefy” Powell“ Nearly done sir! Apart from re-routing away from the island of Borkum.”
Guy Gibson “ What!”
”Chiefy” Powell “RSPB have been on sir, it seems there’s a breeding colony of Storm Petrels on it and it’s more than our job’s worth to go near it, quite apart from the GreenPeace trawler monitoring any deviation – Oh, and Leutnant Otto Brayk of Jagdeschwader 52 has sent an email to say he and his boys are looking forward to meeting you over Gilze-Rijen Airfield”
Guy Gibson “My God .. I mean Gracious! Has some bast… er, who’s opened their mouth and talked?”
”Chiefy” Powell “No-one, sir – it’s in the flight-plan. I filed it this morning. You do know that to fly VFR over the Netherlands at night the Dutch Ministerie van Verkeer en Waterstaat require a plan – you should have done it last week but I phoned and they said it’ll be OK this once. And not below 2000 feet in the Amsterdam FIR please sir. The Green party are very big there now.”
Guy Gibson “Well, we’ll see about that – is my kit ready? My Mae West?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Water Flotation Device if you please, sir – Bomber Command’s Harassment co-coordinator has renamed it – Mae West has too many sexual connotations.
Guy Gibson “ Well where are my flying gloves … and my helmet?”
”Chiefy” Powell “They were kid-leather sir!! – 5 Group’s Animal-Rights Officer nearly had a fit! And no helmets any more I’m afraid – can’t get a Turban under them.”
Guy Gibson “This is just too much! You’ll be saying that I can’t get to the dams next!”
”Chiefy” Powell “Funny you should mention that Sir, Brussels Flow Control says that there is likely to be holding at the MOHNE waypoint – and there is the issue of sufficient fuel. You can’t enter the Dusseldorf FIR with less than 20mins extra, and that makes the Lanc. really tight on gas.”
Guy Gibson “Look here, Chiefy, if I don’t get back I’d like you to have my next egg – and bury my poor dog outside my office at midnight would you?”
”Chiefy” Powell “Eggs are a “non-featured item” of the menu at this time sir – the Group Healthy-Living Food-Diversity Task-Force have been concerned that as the Food Standards Agency’s ‘Guidance on the Egg Products Regulations 1993’ is currently being revised, that we as a forward-thinking, pro-active unit should show the way to the rest of the Service …………………. And er, sir….
Guy Gibson WHAT??!!
”Chiefy” Powell “The squadron Ethnicity Monitoring Team would like you to re-name your dog.”
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q
Wed Jul 22, 2020 3:27 pm
#1785239
A little known fact: During the time Alan Turing was working at Bletchley Park cracking the Enigma codes, his sister Kay provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues.
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Trent772 liked this
Sat Jul 25, 2020 12:08 am
#1785782
Here's this week's batch !
When the Pope visited Ireland, he was asked what he thought of County Down.
He said, It’s not the same since Carol Vorderman left.
My mate once set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!..
The Tourettes Society salutes you.
Although with one finger, oddly.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a lab for the first time ...The results speak for themselves..
Following a freak accident a man has been admitted to A and E with a gyroscope embedded into his skull, Doctors say he is very very stable.
Might be old joke but hey I'm getting older, I've had to change password to "incorrect" so when I type the wrong one my computer tells me what it should be.
Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...it's a great coping mechanism...
How do Geordies connect to the internet?
Why Aye Fi...
I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife, he's been bloody miserable lately.
I took my young grandkids to see Thor. I thought it was the sequel to Frozen.
I went for a curry with some nursery rhyme characters last night.
I had a lovely Jalfrezi.
And Humpty Dumpty had a great Phaal......
I said to my mate, “ I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back”
“Oh really, what did it say?”
“Nothing..he’s a dog...”
I've created a shoe sole made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
When the Pope visited Ireland, he was asked what he thought of County Down.
He said, It’s not the same since Carol Vorderman left.
My mate once set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!..
The Tourettes Society salutes you.
Although with one finger, oddly.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a lab for the first time ...The results speak for themselves..
Following a freak accident a man has been admitted to A and E with a gyroscope embedded into his skull, Doctors say he is very very stable.
Might be old joke but hey I'm getting older, I've had to change password to "incorrect" so when I type the wrong one my computer tells me what it should be.
Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...it's a great coping mechanism...
How do Geordies connect to the internet?
Why Aye Fi...
I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife, he's been bloody miserable lately.
I took my young grandkids to see Thor. I thought it was the sequel to Frozen.
I went for a curry with some nursery rhyme characters last night.
I had a lovely Jalfrezi.
And Humpty Dumpty had a great Phaal......
I said to my mate, “ I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back”
“Oh really, what did it say?”
“Nothing..he’s a dog...”
I've created a shoe sole made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q
Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:58 pm
#1788733
Earwig 0...
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
....it's ruggish.
Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1 on aggregate!
I got a job in the local bowling alley,it's not permanent, it's just ten pin
At the end of this year I will stay up late, not to see the new year in but to make sure this one goes.
This policeman came up to me and put some tissue and a pencil in my hand, what's this for, he said he wanted me to help trace someone.
I'm sure anteaters are a bit snobby, they turn their noses up at flying ants.
Found a new ventriloquist web site it's on Gubble-u Gubble-u Gubble-u Got.
So I said to the doctor, I don't think people can see me properly, he said he thought I looked a little feint.
There was a bullrush on our local library shelf, I thought wonder if that's a good reed
Just booked a horse riding break, it's self cantering.
I hate washing up I always get bubbles everywhere. Sudds law
I said to the doctor I got hurt in a pillow fight. He said I had concushion
When I dunk my chocolate cookies in milk I think of you, so I wait till the bubbles stop.
Moose Hunters;-
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we got six.The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, however, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
Shout out to those people who don't know what the opposite of in is
My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk...
Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season !!!!!!
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
....it's ruggish.
Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1 on aggregate!
I got a job in the local bowling alley,it's not permanent, it's just ten pin
At the end of this year I will stay up late, not to see the new year in but to make sure this one goes.
This policeman came up to me and put some tissue and a pencil in my hand, what's this for, he said he wanted me to help trace someone.
I'm sure anteaters are a bit snobby, they turn their noses up at flying ants.
Found a new ventriloquist web site it's on Gubble-u Gubble-u Gubble-u Got.
So I said to the doctor, I don't think people can see me properly, he said he thought I looked a little feint.
There was a bullrush on our local library shelf, I thought wonder if that's a good reed
Just booked a horse riding break, it's self cantering.
I hate washing up I always get bubbles everywhere. Sudds law
I said to the doctor I got hurt in a pillow fight. He said I had concushion
When I dunk my chocolate cookies in milk I think of you, so I wait till the bubbles stop.
Moose Hunters;-
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we got six.The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, however, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
Shout out to those people who don't know what the opposite of in is
My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk...
Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season !!!!!!
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q
Thu Aug 06, 2020 8:08 pm
#1788734
Trent772 wrote:Earwig 0...
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
....it's ruggish.
Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1 on aggregate!
I got a job in the local bowling alley,it's not permanent, it's just ten pin
At the end of this year I will stay up late, not to see the new year in but to make sure this one goes.
This policeman came up to me and put some tissue and a pencil in my hand, what's this for, he said he wanted me to help trace someone.
I'm sure anteaters are a bit snobby, they turn their noses up at flying ants.
Found a new ventriloquist web site it's on Gubble-u Gubble-u Gubble-u Got.
So I said to the doctor, I don't think people can see me properly, he said he thought I looked a little feint.
There was a bullrush on our local library shelf, I thought wonder if that's a good reed
Just booked a horse riding break, it's self cantering.
I hate washing up I always get bubbles everywhere. Sudds law
I said to the doctor I got hurt in a pillow fight. He said I had concushion
When I dunk my chocolate cookies in milk I think of you, so I wait till the bubbles stop.
Moose Hunters;-
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we got six.The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, however, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
Shout out to those people who don't know what the opposite of in is
My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk...
Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season !!!!!!
Not that old Chestnut
Sun Aug 09, 2020 3:56 pm
#1789357
This thread is really starting to live up to its name! 
Autocorrect is so frustrating. It's always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.
Tue Aug 11, 2020 8:32 pm
#1789908
A woman has fainted on the London Eye.
Paramedics say she is slowly coming round.
---
A Yorkshire lass was leaving home to work in London. Her mum warned her about southerners and how they always try to rip off northerners. “They will try to charge you twice what something is worth so always pay half price!”
On her first Saturday off she decided to have a look around the famous Camden market. As she looked around she sees a nice dress, “ How much for the dress?” she asked. “£60” was the reply. “ I'll give you £30” and a lengthy negotiation began. Eventually the trader reluctantly agreed to £30 “I'll give you £15!” Says our Yorkshire lass, and a more heated discussion takes place. “ Ok,Ok £15 then" the trader gives in. “£7!” The girl demands! Even more heated debate and a crowed starts to gather.
Giving up and nearly in tears the trader says “Look love, just take the dress, it's free.” Our girl hardly needs a second to think “ I'll take two! “
Paramedics say she is slowly coming round.
---
A Yorkshire lass was leaving home to work in London. Her mum warned her about southerners and how they always try to rip off northerners. “They will try to charge you twice what something is worth so always pay half price!”
On her first Saturday off she decided to have a look around the famous Camden market. As she looked around she sees a nice dress, “ How much for the dress?” she asked. “£60” was the reply. “ I'll give you £30” and a lengthy negotiation began. Eventually the trader reluctantly agreed to £30 “I'll give you £15!” Says our Yorkshire lass, and a more heated discussion takes place. “ Ok,Ok £15 then" the trader gives in. “£7!” The girl demands! Even more heated debate and a crowed starts to gather.
Giving up and nearly in tears the trader says “Look love, just take the dress, it's free.” Our girl hardly needs a second to think “ I'll take two! “
Middle East Peace Expert. Military strategist. Former economist and epidemiologist.
Not always entirely serious.
-Still learning -
Not always entirely serious.
-Still learning -