It is with great remorse that I submit these.......
However, the wrestler joke made me laugh out loud...
My wife says I was an animal in bed last night. Exactly what is a sloth...?
There is a natural way of stretching the organ which holds the urine so it increases capacity.
It involves eating seaweed for a month, but not any old seaweed; it must be the bladder wrack.
I was in the Nat West bank yesterday in our town centre.
The woman behind the counter started singing "Downtown".
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
I tried that dating app for kleptomaniacs.
Bitch stole my heart and she won't return it.
I've just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks...
Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?
I went on a date with a dentist,we had a lovely time and she wants to see me again in 6 months.
I can recommend Chris who mended my leaking washbasin yesterday. He is polite, did a really neat job, only wanted £20; and he sings Edelweiss while working.
You would expect that from Chistopher Plummer.
I kept hearing music coming from upstairs, then I found my printer was jamming.
I just found my granddad's old wig making machine in the loft... It's a family hair loom
When a plane flew low over my house yesterday it covered the roof with black liquid.
Found out it was an ink jet.
I saw this strange old woman in my study last night, dressed in black with a pointed hat, and turning the desk lamp on and off repeatedly. She said she was a lights witch.
I know it’s a ‘long shot’ but has anybody got a trebuchet I could borrow.
Was going to join weight watchers online, first question they asked is do you accept cookies, I think it's a trick question.
There is a rumour that the government is to allow the public to purchase Botox on line - ha, that's going to raise a few eyebrows.
Had to get a locksmith to attend to my car when I couldn't open the door. He took out a padded envelope and carefully placed it around the lock with just enough space to get his fingers through. He had a combination of picks inside the bag, and after 30 seconds of fiddling about he had the door unlocked.
He said it would be open in a jiffy and he was right.!
The light wasn't working so I asked my servant to change the bulb. He goes outside, empties a flower pot, swaps the budding crocus plant for a sprouting daffodil, then refills the pot.
I shake my head as he hands me the pot with a satisfied look.
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados ..
It's only a draft at the moment..
The young couple next door told me how they survived a raging wind a few years ago in Tennessee. They were stretched and squeezed then ended up on the plastic floor mat with all their limbs interlocking. That was a Twister.
I''m old enough to remember the worst Winters we've ever had in the UK.......
Mike and Bernie.
People at work were talking about buying pre made batter mix for pancake day.
Lazy lazy lazy.
How long does it take to drive to your sister's and get her to make them for you?
Last night, I saw this bloke sneaking around my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing slacks, tennis shoes and a pair of goalkeepers gloves.
"Hey, I shouted, what's your game?"
All our local Pizza shops have folded. Apparently it’s the Domino effect
If I was a wrestler I’d call my children ‘Niagara’, ‘Victoria’ and ‘The Hunt For Red October’ i.e. two falls and a sub mission.
Go o.... it made you chuckle
Hated school sports days. My mate Andy Zoff was the best runner in our school.
When I went to America I went to a theme park that had the world's largest pool table.
The cues were massive.
The teacher trying to discus the book Robin Hood, "Now class who was Robin's girlfriend"
Little Jonny pipes up "Trudy Glen". "No Jonny it was Maid Marian", said teacher. "No" says Jonny, "The song clearly says Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen".
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q