For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By kanga
#1822335
avtur3 wrote:Image

..


or, as told me by a Dubliner undergraduate colleague a scary number of decades ago:

British foreman interviewer to Irish applicant:

"Explain the difference between girder and joist"

Applicant (strong Southern Irish accent):

"I'm not sure why it's relevant, but Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses"
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By Trent772
#1822353
mick w wrote:So that's where Newby got his repertoire fromTrent :wink: :thumright:



Nah - He's pro grade, I am just an amateur...... :lol:
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By PeteSpencer
#1822990
A man says to his doctor, "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it. It'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way of checking, without her knowing?"

The doctor replies, "Choose a moment when she has her back to you. Say something in a normal voice and, if she doesn't answer, move a little closer and say it again. Then you'll get an idea about her hearing."

So, when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He asks, "What's for dinner, love?" but gets no answer.

He moves in a little closer. "What's for dinner, love?" he repeats. Again, no response.

He moves even closer. "What's for dinner, love?" Nothing.

By now, he's right behind her. He says again, "What's for dinner, love?"

She turns round and shouts, "For the fourth time - chicken!"
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By Trent772
#1824038
It is with great remorse that I submit these....... :thumleft:

However, the wrestler joke made me laugh out loud...


My wife says I was an animal in bed last night. Exactly what is a sloth...?

There is a natural way of stretching the organ which holds the urine so it increases capacity.
It involves eating seaweed for a month, but not any old seaweed; it must be the bladder wrack.

I was in the Nat West bank yesterday in our town centre.
The woman behind the counter started singing "Downtown".
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."

I tried that dating app for kleptomaniacs.
Bitch stole my heart and she won't return it.

I've just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks...
Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?

I went on a date with a dentist,we had a lovely time and she wants to see me again in 6 months.

I can recommend Chris who mended my leaking washbasin yesterday. He is polite, did a really neat job, only wanted £20; and he sings Edelweiss while working.
You would expect that from Chistopher Plummer.

I kept hearing music coming from upstairs, then I found my printer was jamming.

I just found my granddad's old wig making machine in the loft... It's a family hair loom

When a plane flew low over my house yesterday it covered the roof with black liquid.
Found out it was an ink jet.

I saw this strange old woman in my study last night, dressed in black with a pointed hat, and turning the desk lamp on and off repeatedly. She said she was a lights witch.

I know it’s a ‘long shot’ but has anybody got a trebuchet I could borrow.

Was going to join weight watchers online, first question they asked is do you accept cookies, I think it's a trick question.

There is a rumour that the government is to allow the public to purchase Botox on line - ha, that's going to raise a few eyebrows.

Had to get a locksmith to attend to my car when I couldn't open the door. He took out a padded envelope and carefully placed it around the lock with just enough space to get his fingers through. He had a combination of picks inside the bag, and after 30 seconds of fiddling about he had the door unlocked.
He said it would be open in a jiffy and he was right.!

The light wasn't working so I asked my servant to change the bulb. He goes outside, empties a flower pot, swaps the budding crocus plant for a sprouting daffodil, then refills the pot.
I shake my head as he hands me the pot with a satisfied look.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados ..
It's only a draft at the moment..

The young couple next door told me how they survived a raging wind a few years ago in Tennessee. They were stretched and squeezed then ended up on the plastic floor mat with all their limbs interlocking. That was a Twister.

I''m old enough to remember the worst Winters we've ever had in the UK.......
Mike and Bernie.

People at work were talking about buying pre made batter mix for pancake day.
Lazy lazy lazy.
How long does it take to drive to your sister's and get her to make them for you?

Last night, I saw this bloke sneaking around my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing slacks, tennis shoes and a pair of goalkeepers gloves.
"Hey, I shouted, what's your game?"

All our local Pizza shops have folded. Apparently it’s the Domino effect

If I was a wrestler I’d call my children ‘Niagara’, ‘Victoria’ and ‘The Hunt For Red October’ i.e. two falls and a sub mission.

Go o.... it made you chuckle :pirat:

Hated school sports days. My mate Andy Zoff was the best runner in our school.

When I went to America I went to a theme park that had the world's largest pool table.
The cues were massive.

The teacher trying to discus the book Robin Hood, "Now class who was Robin's girlfriend"
Little Jonny pipes up "Trudy Glen". "No Jonny it was Maid Marian", said teacher. "No" says Jonny, "The song clearly says Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen".
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By kanga
#1824063
Trent772 wrote:..
I was in the Nat West bank yesterday in our town centre.
The woman behind the counter started singing "Downtown".
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
..


Serendipitously, the delightful Ms Clark was on R4 being interviewed by Clive Anderson last night. I had not realised that at the time of 'Downtown' she was living in France, performing mainly in French, and had been invited by the (British) composer to listen to a tune which he was working on. She likes it so much that she told him that if he could write some lyrics for it she'd perform it for him.

[She now lives in Geneva.]
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By avtur3
#1825295
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
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By Bill McCarthy
#1825308
Bloke gets the ice cream from the freezer - “ want some ice cream darling”
Wife - “yes please, is it hard”
Hubby - “ it’s as bliddy hard as I was last night”
Wife - “oh goody, pour me some”
Charles Hunt liked this
By Boxkite
#1825471
avtur3 wrote:Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
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