Lockdown Part Deux.... They have started again
I never understood why Dylan was so popular in the 60s & 70s.
For me, Brian and Zebedee were much better!
My wife slipped and dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk. So I instantly phoned the doctor and asked him to drop round anytime, in the next couple of months ...
IKEA have sponsored our local primary school, now assembly takes ages.
This year they had to organise a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year socially distanced event outside.
They called it ‘Chinese Burns Night’.
I wasn't going to go, but I had to in the end, because I got my arm twisted.
My wife bought me a ceramic Rubik Cube, ha soon cracked that.
I remember doing my first swallow dive off the top board when I was ten, it was definitely a success as I swallowed nearly a gallon.
The police are investigating a robbery at a pet store,they say they haven't any leads.
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers
"What it means to be British?".
I think the following sums it up......
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain,
skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign ".......!!
TRAFFIC ALERT....A truck carrying incontinence pants has spilled its load on M62... Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
Banks should do a better job at keeping their ATM's filled. That's the 5th one I've been to today that's said 'insufficient' funds!
Anyone seen the TV advert for the new electric Vauxhall Corsa?
They’re offering a test drive with no charge - seems a bit pointless!
My neighbour Sid was a miserable chap. Sadly though, he’d been ill for some time. Fearing that his end was near, he called his wife to his bedside.
"I have one last wish”, he said to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbour, Ken".
His wife was perplexed.
"But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken", she asks him.
"I do", said Sid.
When you are dead you actually don't know you are dead. It's only difficult for all the others. The same goes for stupid.
I got home last night and my wife shouted "There is bright red lipstick all over your collar! Where's that from?"
"I don't know" I replied, "But I'm seeing her again tonight so I'll ask her.
I asked my hairdresser if she has ever given a henna rinse? She said "no but I've given a duck a bath."
Did you know if you said Mama Mia! in Italy it's an exclamation, but if you say it in Yorkshire it means 'Ive got home.
A police officer turned up at my door this morning.
“Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He said.
“No.” I said.
“What about RP?”
“No, means nothing to me.” I said.
“How about AH?” He asked.
“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” He replied “These are just initial enquiries.”
An elderly man living alone in Ingoldmells wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q