I have a friend I call Blister because he shows up after all the hard work is done.
Had an appointment with my GP this morning.
She said, "Let's talk about your weight."
I said, "Well, it was about 40 minutes but it was OK, the chairs are reasonably comfortable but you could do with a few newer magazines."
Over forty years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart., my best friend..and the most beautiful girl I've ever met to marry me........All 3 said no.
2 pebbles on a beach, one asks, "Are you married?"
The other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
"The Corgi leapt while the Spaniel slept."
"The Poodle barked as the Doberman crept."
"The Retriever fetched when the Beagle couldn't find the fox".
That's not poetry, just doggerel.
I went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball. I was served straight away.
How do you coax a bear from the woods?
Put a wheel of cheese on a stick, wave it a the bear shouting “ Camembert”
The Vue cinema in Leeds was robbed last night of £754. The thieves got away with 2 packs of M&Ms, Doritos, a hand full of pick n mix and a large drink.
The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away last week.
In his honour there will be no coffin at his funeral.
When my wife and I argue, I tighten the top of every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say: Oh yeah, you need me now eh?
BBC News. Man dies from eating more than a bag of liquorice a day.
I guess it takes all sorts.
Use the word ‘intermittent’ in a sentence.
While I was camping it began to rain hard so I ran intermittent.
"Look, there's a flock of Elephants"
"Herd of Elephants".
"Of course I've herd of Elephants there's a flock of them over there"
Did you know that you can tell a lot about a woman just by her hands? Yes! For instance, if her hands are placed around your neck she's probably angry at you.
I came down this frosty morning.... the Grim Reaper was standing by my car waiting for me..... he helped me scrape the windscreen clear... yes, I was de-icing with death.....
The instructions on my Sunday night microwave pudding says remove outer packaging and film lid. I’ve been filming the lid with my phone for 30 minutes now but it doesn’t seem to be cooking.
Any help is appreciated, thanks in advance.
I asked a lady in the library if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered to me - “they’re right behind you”.
Went to a new restaurant in town.
The waiter said "For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse."
"Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked.
"No", he replied. "It's a sett menu."
Did I ever tell you that my great grandfather's first job was as a comedian on the Titanic?
His one liner went down really well with his audience.
Just wondered have the Wasps rugby club got a B team?
There was an explosion at the pie factory. The blast could be heard 3.14 miles away.
A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that fact at my sons school concert.
Why did they call it 'panic buying' and not 'stock home syndrome' ?
Nelly the elephant has caught Covid, she got from Trump Trump Trump.
The yacht crew were facing a crisis. Sail torn. Can't be repaired. So this lad climbs up, stands on the beam in front of the torn sail, stretches out his arms as far as they will go, his shirt flapping in the breeze. Jim asks the skipper what he's up to. Skipper says not to worry, the lad's a Painter.
Extra points if you get that one
A good few years ago my girlfriend and I were going to see my parents for the first time when her car got a flat. I rang my mum and told her than my girlfriend had a puncture, her reply was "Oh dear I hoped you had got a real one by now".
How many of you go
"Do doo do do do do". from the muppets
When they hear someone say ' Phenomenon'
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in my teens was the love machine.
Basically I'm Carp at tennis.
I'll get me coat......
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q