So, I'm just back from the doctor's and have been diagnosed with a fear of giants.
Apparently I have feefiphobia
Do tent manufacturers sales teams go out canvassing? And do they take exit poles.
I got pulled over by a female police officer..
When I wound the window down to ask what was wrong she said..
After my prostrate exam the doctor left the room and the nurse entered...
She then uttered the five words no man wants to hear..
.”who the heck was that?”
My friend started choking the other day, and she turned blue.
Which got me thinking.
If you choked a Smurf, what colour would it go?
The film version of the biography of Eddie Stobart is gripping, I've just seen the trailer....
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
My mate who has a really bad stutter was telling me earlier about his Nana. We ended up singing "Hey Jude".
Two bears were seen leaving the house of Mr and Mrs Woods.
The female bear said “ What did you do that for?”
Trying out a new thong, but I'm not much of a thinger, thadly.
You are all aware that protons have mass.
Me, ,, I didn't even know they were Catholics.
I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize...
So, I was walking along the street when I looked in our local pet shop. In the window was a cat, with a sign saying “genuine Netherlands cat”. Well I've had cats for years, and I’ve never heard of a cat from the Netherlands, or anything similar”. So I went into the shop, and asked the shopkeeper,
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window”.
"I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm".
My wife asked what the female version of a man cave is, I said a kitchen, it's OK doc says bruising will go down in a few days.