[akg1486]

Nicola Sturgeon has announced that Scottish people are now allowed to exercise more than once a day, lifting a restriction that has been in place since 1853.

[akg1486]

The following joke is often attributed to Richard Osman, but he has said that he simply retweeted it and spread it. He wish that he were the source.

Did you know that Charles Dickens originally published A Tale of Two Cities as a serial in newspapers? It was in the Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.

[Trent772]

My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the army.

He used to go in all buns glazing...


I walked into a bar and heard a voice say - "You look really smart"

I asked the barman if he said that.

"No, it's the peanuts - they are complimentary"


I'm hosting a party for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.


People must not cough near you, they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to .....far cough.


My Mrs was clearing her wardrobe, I heard her say - after 20 years, it still fits ! I said, it's a scarf !


When I die, I would like the word "Humble" written on my statue.


Re Michael O'Leary's announcement of potential restart of operations: I thought Ryanair already pioneered social distancing by landing aircraft 150 miles from the nearest population hub as often as possible.

[avtur3]

.... Re Michael O'Leary's announcement of potential restart of operations: I thought Ryanair already pioneered social distancing by landing aircraft 150 miles from the nearest population hub as often as possible.....

Very good

[Trent772]

The inventor of the sandbag has died.....
Tributaries have been flooding in.


My mate gave me the strangest birthday present...an abacus shaped like a castle... Oh well, it's the fort that counts.

I went on a date recently and she asked,
"Any pets?"... I said, "Yes, a goldfish".
"Any hobbies?"...
I said - "Yes, he likes swimming".

I asked the old shop assistant if he had any jubilee clips.

"No," he replied, "but I kept some footage of the coronation".

[Paul_Sengupta]

From today you can play sport providing you're all from the same family. Norwich City vs Ipswich Town kicks off 8pm.

[Nick]

Don't visit Scotland

Nick

[Miscellaneous]

Such blatant racism on the forum @Nick. Quite shocking, I'm offended.

[Dave W]

Can’t work my wife out.

First she says “Yes, fine - you can have a tattoo.”

Now she’s moaning about the bagpipers on the lawn.

[Pete L]

That has to be a Tim Vine fringe joke.

[kanga]

Can’t work my wife out.

First she says “Yes, fine - you can have a tattoo.”

Now she’s moaning about the bagpipers on the lawn.

surely, for Forumites, that should have been "a Grumman Widgeon on the lawn"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantasy_Island

[Dave W]

surely, for Forumites, that should have been "a Grumman Widgeon on the lawn"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantasy_Island

[kanga]

[eltonioni]

Sorry if I seem a bit down in the dumps, it was supposed to be the mother-in-law's funeral tomorrow but she's cancelled it.

[Pete L]

A pig, a sheep and a goat walk into a bar. Without an 'en.