[Cessna57]

What is the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same........

Peter

“both” In the version I know, makes more sense

Hope this one isn’t too un PC. We thought it was the funniest joke ever when kids.

Did you hear about the Irish Wolfhound chewing a bone?
Stood up and his leg fell off.

[johnm]

Jokes not my forte but many gems in here to brighten a morning

Thank you one and all

[Spooky]

What time does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon?




Tennish

[PeteSpencer]

Irishman in cake shop:

"Heow much is dem dere gattocks in the window?"

"They're gateaux; and they're ten pounds."

" Ten quid ?! Bolleaux. "

[morticiaskeeper]

What do you call a Scotsman on his garden path?

Hamish.


What do you call two men hiding behind a pelmet?

Kurt and Rod.


"Doctor, doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"


Nelson was 5'6" tall, yet his Trafalgar Square statue is 16'6" tall.

That's Horatio of 3 to 1.


I'm selling a limited edition bottle of Tippex to a Chinese man.

I've told him it's a correctors item.



I've just been run over by a rental van.

Hertz.


I asked a Geordie what time Lidl were open.

He said " Aldi"

I said "No, Lidl"



My wife suggested we play doctors and nurses, so I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.


The inventor of the dishwasher was buried today. They lowered him down, then his wife took him out and put him in the right way.


My mate can't afford his water bill. I sent him a get well soon card.


Elvis climbs out of the swimming pool after falling for the tenth time. Priscilla asks him what's wrong.

"I can't help falling in, love"


One in four frogs is a leap frog.

[MarkOlding]

Or did you hear about the dyslexic vicar who prayed to Dog

which leads onto my all time favourite -

Man A - "Does your dog bite ?"
Man B - "No"
Man A - Pets dog and gets bitten "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?"
Man B - "That's not my dog......"

It may loose something in print.....

[Bill McCarthy]

True dit .................. junior rate watchkeeper on the bridge (HMS Ajax) in the mid 60's asks the trainee Nigerian navy midshipman "scuse me sir what's on the movies tonight".
"It's Call Me Bwana " was the reply.

"OK Bwana - what's on de movies tonight"

[The Kissimmee Bum]

Just sold my vacuum cleaner on eBay.

Well it was just gathering dust.

[cockney steve]

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs ?
Still no idea
What do you call a fellow who comes in through the letterbox ?
Bill.
A fellow who sits under trees in the autumn winds ?
Russel
Knock knock.....Who's there ?
Amos.....Amos who?
A mosquito.

Knock knock......who's there ?
Anne.....Anne who?

Another mosquito.

Knock knock......who's there ?
Stella.....Stella who ?
Still another mosquito.

Still struggling to see the "Duck" joke.

[PeteSpencer]

" Frappe, frappe"

"Qui est la?"

"Losti"

"Losti qui?:

"Exactement".

[Cessna57]

Still struggling to see the "Duck" joke.

Ah, you need a child to tell it to.
You must use the exact wording.

You will fall about laughing when you see their expression.

Another one that works the same:

Hear about the 3 Irishmen sitting on the floor?
1 fell off.

[cockney steve]

Thanks for the attempt, Cessna.......now i'm totally baffled and wondering if i'm really a thicko.

[PeteSpencer]

Thanks for the attempt, Cessna.......now i'm totally baffled and wondering if i'm really a thicko.

I first heard Tony Blackburn tell it on a kids radio programme at least 30 years ago.

Google the first line: You'll see that you're not alone in your bafflement:
And there numerous versions of the 'punchline': choose yer own...

Peter

[Rob L]

What time does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon?




Tennish

Schoolboy humour that I had not heard before, thanks!

[Rob L]

Do you know the difference between an elephant and a letter box?