For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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User avatar
By akg1486
#1906608
akg1486 wrote:Have you ever gazed at the night sky and looked at Orion’s Belt? It’s a giant waist of space.

I didn't expect any likes: it's only a three-star joke.
nallen, OCB, Pete L and 6 others liked this
User avatar
By Flintstone
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1906708
A rabbi is driving around Tel Aviv looking for a parking space. After an hour he looks skyward and says "God. If you find me a space I promise I'll keep kosher and study the Talmud more often".

No sooner has he spoken than a car pulls out of a spot in front of him. Quick as a flash he looks up again and says "Don't bother, I found one".
User avatar
By Sir Morley Steven
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1907462
What’s the difference between a Jewish pessimist and a Jewish optimist (told to me by a Jew so I guess vetted for anti semitism)
The pessimist says “Things can’t get any worse!”
The optimist says “Sure they can”
User avatar
By OCB
#1907525
Sir Morley Steven wrote:
> What’s the difference between a Jewish pessimist and a Jewish optimist
> (told to me by a Jew so I guess vetted for anti semitism)
> The pessimist says “Things can’t get any worse!”
> The optimist says “Sure they can”

Which reminds me of the Spike Milligan joke...that we can't say cos it's...
User avatar
By Rob L
#1907541
OCB wrote:
> Sir Morley Steven wrote:
> Which reminds me of the Spike Milligan joke...that we can't say cos it's...

On Spike Milligan's gravestone:
"I told you I was ill" :wink:
User avatar
By OCB
#1907547
Rob L wrote:
> OCB wrote:
> > Sir Morley Steven wrote:
> > Which reminds me of the Spike Milligan joke...that we can't say cos it's...
>
> On Spike Milligan's gravestone:
> "I told you I was ill" :wink:

lol - I'm sure the post-Millenials will be rolling their eyes and assuming we are the worst {insert *ist here} ever...
User avatar
By Trent772
#1909288
I’ve just checked my pet frog’s genealogy. He’s a little bit French, part Scottish & a tad Pole.


I came 2nd last night in a Robert Redford lookalike. Frank Bruno won it


The inventor of speed boats has died.
The funeral is tomorrow, followed by the wake.


3 years ago I sponsored a Panda through WWF.
I haven't seen it wrestle once!


I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.
So I thought why not? I'm not using that roof rack for anything else.


Not sure if you know already, but you can buy suppositories from IKEA - trouble is you have to put them up yourself


Really pleased to get a tank of petrol for £30.00 today..
Granted it was for the lawnmower but trying to keep positive.


So I bought a frozen pizza from Tesco for my tea tonight and it says on the box, "Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes."
Now, I'm no genius, but isn't that 21 minutes.


VACANCIES

“A job opportunity has arisen in our new ejector seat testing division. Would suit a healthy young person. The job would entail a small amount of travel.”


Went round the neighbours last night, had a lovely meal, 3 bottles of red wine and a big cigar. They’ll go mad when they get back from Tenerife.


I used to make sandcastles with my grandfather until my dad told me to put the urn back!


In Medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This was the earliest form of saddle light navigation.


When I was in America I went into a Wal-Mart store.
“Do you have Kinder eggs?”
“Oh, no Sir, in America we think they are unsafe so don’t stock them”
“Oh well,” I said I’ll just have these two assault rifles then !”


Did I tell you about my 9 year old nephew he went to a party, he came home with a big box of washing powder... I said "well done but quick question what game were you playing to win that" he said "pass the Persil


My mate is getting married in June but today I caught his girlfriend kissing another bloke....
I don't know what to do now ?
I was going to tell him what I saw then I remembered it's a 'Free Bar' at his wedding reception


One of my greatest fears is being put in an old people's home were someone's idea of a good evenings entertainment is singing Vera Lynne songs.


I've started dating a girl who's doing a master's degree in literature. She asked me the other night what I thought about Poe. I told her I was a big fan of his early work, but I must say my favourite is now Tinky Winky.


My mates been laid up in bed for the past few weeks so I went round there today and took some DVDs and microwave meals.
Hopefully he's too ill to notice they've gone.


I slept with my best friend's wife the other night ,and now I feel terrible,
She must've gave me the flu or something.


I heard 2 blokes talking about how they’d not get on a plane with a Woman pilot. Idiots, I mean it’s not like she’d have to reverse it.


Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and Iv's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s **** and a car hit me.

Well I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
I am now banned from the Store



It's Shakespeare's birthday on the 26th personally I think it's much ado about nothing.



Doctor said, "Your Wife is on life support and very critical".
I replied, "Oh so she's talking then"



Fraudster who installed kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.
Police say he was charged with counter fitting..



A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
JAFO, avtur3, Aerials and 5 others liked this
User avatar
By eltonioni
#1910173
Its the post's like this that youll never unsee

[img]https://i.imgur.com/oyniHLd.jpg[/img]
By Cessna571
#1910192
Morten wrote:
> Courtesy of Flintstone.:
>
> The inventor of Chinese whispers died today...
> Pass it on!
>
> (obligatory :oops:.

Are you sure?

I heard it was the inverter of tiny tempers
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