Right You Shabby Lot.......
Christmas was a fruitful time in The Locked In Nutters Whatsapp group. I do apologise
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water.
Didn’t go down well
My new year resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth, I bet yours is to lose all that weight I noticed you've put on.
In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill...
Fuming as it turns out it was a rubbish tip...
I find that I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka
I've just come back from the national housebuilding championships..
I made it through to the semis
Everyone knows we need bees but did you know that bees killed 820,000 in 2020. The worst species is the Hepatitis Bee.
I've decided to be less condescending to people from now on.
(Condescending means talking down to people like they're stupid)
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
At this point, I think Brian had overdosed on the trifle and crackers....
My old girlfriend was always falling in love.
She fell in love with a tarmacer and loved her asphalt
She fell in love with a paper hanger and he gave her a good pasting!
She fell in love with a lumberjack.
But he gave her the chop.
She fell in love with a window salesman and saw right through him
She fell in love with a fisherman and caught crabs.
She fell in love with an astronaut but he was a waste of space.
She fell in love with a barrister but the appeal was soon gone
She fell in love with a fishmonger who left her gutted.
She fell in love with a pilot and kissed him under the hangars
Going for worse one ever.
I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from the local supermarket, even better - it comes with Aldi king's horse's and Aldi king's men.
Ok sorry.
So the Hunchback of Notre Dame retired today.
He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells.
When my son first left home he was to start an apprenticeship with Tottenham Hotspur. To save any embarrassment we told friends and neighbours he’d been sent to prison for molesting a goat.
Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, that I was having trouble in the bedroom.
So he gave me some Viagra!
Cant see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes?
In another 3028 years, things could be either good or bad, who knows
It's 5050.
My mate’s dad used to dig up old car parts, he was a Morris miner.
Last night, I gave my wife a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
I went into a car show room
The guy behind the desk said
“What are you looking for?”
I said because I can’t afford to buy one.
New dog cross breeds The following new cross breeds are now
recognized by the Kennel club - allegedly!
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, not a good dog.
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collle + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true.
Bull Terrier + ****
You figure it out!
Please don't tell me that I am the only person to have bought tickets for Take That and ended up at a kleptomaniacs jumble sale.
I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".
He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus so I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's.""Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
I'm not saying my New Year's
Resolution is going badly but I've already finished all my Easter Eggs.
Me: Whenever I'm doing a crossword my wife never wants me to succeed in completing it
Therapist: I hope you don't get too down
Me: Oh God not you too...
So my puncture repair business has been so successful, I have now bought a mansion house.
And to think I only started with a small flat..
Teacher: "Who was the first person to sail around the world single handed?
Johnny: "Captain Hook Miss".
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q