Thu Jun 10, 2021 2:01 pm
#1852144
Just when you thought I had forgotten.....
Sometimes I wake up grumpy on a Sunday morning, but today I thought I'd let her sleep.
Elephant and Rhinoceros meet in the jungle
Rhino - Hi, what's your name.
Elephant - Nellie
Rhino - not THE Nellie the elephant.
Elephant - yes, and what's your name.
Rhinoceros - Neil.
Elephant - not THE Rhino Neil.
My Uncle Jim, he was regarded as being quite mad. The reason was that he ate a quarter teaspoon of gunpowder every day of his adult life. He would mix it in his porridge every morning. He claimed that it was the secret to a long and healthy life. Maybe he was mad but he died at the age of 106.
He left behind 4 children, 9 grand children, 21 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium
I have a confession to make. My great grandfather was known as the acid bath murderer. To be fair he only did it once, that's because he lost a arm, pulling the plug out.
When my wife requested a ‘Celebrity Fragrance’ for her birthday, how was I supposed to know ‘Cillit Bang' by Barry Scott’ wasn't what she had in mind.
I just met a pirate who said he had lost his crows nest , I said that's your lookout.
I bought a blacksmith business the other day without seeing it first. It wasn't until later that I found out that the whole thing was a forgery.
One thing that life has taught me is that spring chickens aren't nearly as comfortable as memory foam chickens.
I was invited to a party last weekend of the Brotherhood of Man appreciation group.
As I was running late and didn't want to miss the buffet, I phoned them up and asked them to save some quiches for me.
I got cut off by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver.
"OK" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!
Archaeologists digging at Stonehenge have discovered a neolithic manuscript which it is believed will change everything we know an understand about prehistoric writings.
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says
"the DFS sale ends this solstice!"
Just a thought, my generation had Wonder Woman - This younger generation has to wonder if it is a woman.
My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”
I ran a half-marathon.
Sounds much better than saying I quit halfway through a marathon...
There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door, the Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon.
I bet that’ll come back to bite me...
When I was young the doctor told me I had a lazy eye, by the time I was 20 it spread to the rest of my body
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q