For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By Morten
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847499
CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK

VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
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By akg1486
#1847624
Seeing Morten post I was reminded of the bad jokes we used to tell as kids about Norwegians. This one was my favourite:

- What’s written at the bottom of Norwegian swimming pools?
- ”No smoking”.
By avtur3
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847626
Apparently this is a genuine sign from our cousins down under ... as a responsible dog owner I don't have the slightest problem with it.

Image
By avtur3
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847634
Morten's recent post brings to mind a real world experience ...

Many years ago, having produced two beautiful daughters, Mrs A and I decided to quit while we were ahead. Mrs A had gone through the pain of childbirth twice, the least I could do was get "the snip".

On the day of my appointment I presented myself at the local hospital, I was ushered into a room where all the 'day cases' were dealt with. Soon after arrival I was directed towards a cubical , as were many other arriving patients. After waiting in the cubical for some time a male nurse arrived to explain the detail of what was about to happen. The male nurse was none other than a previous colleague in the local police force, who, after taking retirement he had taken on a nursing auxiliary role.

So there I am in a cubical being given a razor along with instructions as to what needed to be shaved ... razor supplied, nothing else, as were half a dozen other patients. The sound of "dry shaving" was clearly audible in the room, the guy next to me got it wrong and screamed out loud ... the male nurse (my former colleague) dived into to the cubicle to see what had happened, and everyone in the room heard the comment "NO ... that is the cut cut that the surgeon will do"

Further on in the procedure I remember being 'on the table' , legs a part, and some guy fiddling where I wasn't expecting a guy to fiddle, thankfully (for the most part) the pain relief worked a treat. There was a moment where the surgeon pulled on the tube (before he cut it) where my bodies auto reaction was to kick my leg in the air, at this point a rather nice nurse (who was working the top end) gave me a very reassuring squeeze of the hand and told me everything as alright.
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By PeteSpencer
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847663
Another ‘nuts on fire’ post:
Summer 1964 ‘gap year’ pre university .

I and three school mates had driven to the South of France for a camping holiday.

We arrived in Provence at a camp site on the beach at Le Grau du Roi in the midst of the worst plague of mosquitoes in the Camargue for years

(They even flew a helicopter with spray attachment spraying insecticide over the camp site while we were in it -totally f***ed my tent’ s waterproofing we found out later).But that’s another story

We were getting eaten alive by mossies at night in sleeping bags including in the nether regions so my mate decided to apply anti-mos solution to his nuts. Within ten seconds the screams began and somewhere I have a flash photo of him darting across the sand in the dead of night bol lock naked to hold his precious portions under the stand pipe tap that served as water supply ( well it was the sixties). :roll:
No he didn’t get arrested but the rest of us just put up with the mos bites.
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By OCB
#1847719
@PeteSpencer and @avtur3 ....I think this emoticon says it all...

:shock:

Not speaking from personal experience, but from a Swiss ex-colleague. Apparently it's highly advisable to wash your hands extremely thoroughly with strong detergent after having been on training exercises with full strength pepper-type sprays, and before going for a pee.

@Morten - I think it's been mentioned (by me and I know others over the years) that these sort of apocryphal(?) writings used to make it into local newspapers BITD. Simpler times back then, but I am glad to see the genre is alive and kicking in the t'interweb age :lol:
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By Morten
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847726
Indeed. There was one infamous one which related to a roofer and a set of roof tiles going up and down a pulley system and breaking is fingers, legs and femur... which was an alleged accident insurance claim form. Here it is : https://www.cybersalt.org/clean-jokes/b ... ance-claim

On a related note, I quite like the 'Tingly Mint and Tea Tree' shower gel from Original Source. It does make your skin tingle and feel nice and fresh, but use it in too intimate a place and the tingle will make you feel like you need to go to the toilet all night...
Charles Hunt liked this
By RayP
#1847736
In a similar vein - The canoe story

A friend of mine once built a canoe. He spent a long time on it and it was a work of art.
Almost the final phase was to fill both ends with polyurethane expanding foam.
He duly ordered the bits from Mr Glasplies (an excellent purveyor of all things fibreglass) and it arrived in two packs covered with appropriately dire warnings about expansion ratios and some very good notes on how to use it.
Unfortunately he had a degree, worse still two of them. One was in Chemistry, so the instructions got thrown away and the other in something mathematical because in a few minutes he was merrily calculating the volume of his craft to many decimal places and the guidelines got binned as well.
He propped the canoe up on one end, got a huge tin, carefully measured the calculated amounts of glop, mixed them and quickly poured the mixture in the end of the canoe (The two pack expands very rapidly).
I arrived as he was completing this and I looked in to see the end chamber over half full of something Cawdors Witches would have been proud of. Two thing occurred to me, one was the label which said in big letters: "Caution - expansion ration 50:1" (or something similar) and the other that the now empty tins said "approximately enough for 20 small craft"
Any comment was drowned out by a sea of yellow brown foam suddenly pouring out of the middle of the canoe and the end of the canoe bursting open. My friend screamed and leapt at his pride and joy which was knocked to the ground as he started trying to bale handfuls of this stuff out with his hands.
Knocking the craft over allowed the still liquid and not yet fully expanded foam to flow to the other end of the canoe where it expanded and shattered that end as well.
A few seconds later and we had a canoe with two exploded ends, a mountain of solid foam about 4ft high growing out of the middle, and a chemist firmly embedded up to his armpits in it.
At this stage he discovered the reaction was exothermic and his hands and arms were getting very hot indeed. Running about in small circles in a confined space while glued to the remains of a fairly large canoe proved ineffective so he resorted to screaming a bit instead.
Fortunately a Kukri was to hand so I attacked the foam around his hands with some enthusiasm. The process was hindered by the noise he was making and the fact he was trying to escape while still attached to the canoe.
Eventually I managed to hack out a lump of foam still including most of his arms and hands. Unfortunately my tears of laughter were not helping as they accelerated the foam setting.
Seeking medical help was obviously out of the question, the embarrassment of having to explain his occupation (Chief Research Chemist at a major petrochemical organisation) would simply never have been lived down. Several hours and much acrimony later we had removed sufficient foam (and much hair) to allow him to move again. However he still looked something like a failed audition for Quasimodo with red burns on his arms and expanded blobs of foam sticking everywhere. My comment that the scalding simple made the hairs the foam was sticking to come out easier was not met with the enthusiasm I felt it deserved.
I forgot to add that in retrospect rather unwisely he had set out to do this deed in the hallway of his house (the only place he later explained with sufficient headroom for the canoe - achieved by poking it up the stairwell.
Having extricated him we now were faced with the problem of a canoe construction kit embedded in a still gurgling block of foam which was now irrevocably bonded to the hall and stairs carpet as well as several banister rails and quite a lot of wallpaper.
At this point his wife and her mother came back from shopping......
Oh yes - and he had been wearing the pullover Mum in law had knitted him for his birthday the week before.
OCB, T6Harvard, Dave W and 3 others liked this
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By OCB
#1847749
...possibly these should move to a "these happened to someone I know" post/section - knowing fine well that in research psychology, eliciting a truthful response to awkward situations often has a better response when it's "asking for a friend" :roll: :lol:

On said note - but freely admitted by the guilty:

1. Physics teacher - a seriously overqualified but retired Chief Chemist from a Lanarkshire steelworks - admitting to nearly killing himself by using his pre-molars as a crimping tool...but on one of the iterations, forgotten to unplug the live end.

He reckoned his death would have been put down as "suicide", and not even "misadventure" - as he clearly knew better than most what sticking a fully live lead into his gob entailed.

2. Chemistry teacher - also a veteran of the Lanarkshire steelworks - teaching a classroom full of kids about the dangers of "city/domestic gas" - that said gas in it's natural state was odourless/colourless etc, would render you unconscious then kill you if the air to gas mixture was too high, but thankfully said gas had a highly odious component added, so that if there was a gas leak - people would react to it.

To demonstrate this effect, he let one of the classroom gas valves slightly open during his lecture.

Alas, he somehow forgot to mention to a particular class that - due to a previous professional mishap - he had zero sense of smell..and was relying on his pupils telling him when the smell of the gas additive got too much for them.

Fair play to them - most pupils kept trying to jot this stuff down, even though they were in a bad way.

This is not apocryphal - it was by sheer chance of college timetabling I wasn't one of the "lucky few".No permanent damage was done AFAIK, but I cannot imagine this happening in today's world! Unintended lesson was clearly "when Teach does something homicidally dangerous - it's actually "alright" to raise your hand...."

3. Prof related again...the most senior engineering prof at a prestigious Russel Group Uni, who - whilst having been considerate enough to have put a Faraday cage in place in the lab where he was doing some electric arc welding of an ATV him and his students had been designing - forgot to remove his wedding ring.

He welded himself to the engine bay of the ATV.

My best mate at the time was his lab tech and the only physical witness - apparently the choice of words were both colourful and self-critical...as he realised it would take time for the ring to cool down..whilst his finger was cooking.

Admitting his stupidity, the prof's only request was that his wife would never find out!
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By PeteSpencer
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847755
Morten wrote:Indeed. There was one infamous one which related to a roofer and a set of roof tiles going up and down a pulley system and breaking is fingers, legs and femur... which was an alleged accident insurance claim form. Here it is : https://www.cybersalt.org/clean-jokes/b ... ance-claim
.


There is a recording somewhere of the late Gerard Hoffnung recounting a comic story along these lines to the great mirth of the audience at the Oxford Union in the 50s……

Here it is:


But then you youngsters prolly haven’t a clue who Gerard Hoffnung was :shock:
Edit: Replaced broken youtube link: sl different rendition
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By kanga
#1847803
OCB wrote:...possibly these should move to a "these happened to someone I know" post/section ..- but freely admitted by the guilty:

..


ISTR reading in Air Clues in the '60s or '70s, in the ILAFFT column, of an incident confessed much later. Two RAF pilots were in a Gnat, which went into a spin. It nearly crashed because each pilot thought the other 'had control' .. the pilots were OC and 2iC of Examining Flight, Standards Wing, Central Flying School :?
Last edited by kanga on Tue May 18, 2021 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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By OCB
#1847813
kanga wrote:
OCB wrote:...possibly these should move to a "these happened to someone I know" post/section ..- but freely admitted by the guilty:

..


ISTR reading in Air Clues in the '60s or '70s, in the ILAFFT column, of an incident confessed much later. Two RAF pilots were in a Gnat, which went into a spin. It nearly crashed because each pilot thought the other 'had control' .. the pilots were OC and 2iC of Examiniing Flight, Standards Wing, Central Flying School :?


Clearly not true..I cannot imagine anyone trying to claim they “had control” of a Gnat?
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By Trent772
#1849937
PeteSpencer wrote:But then you youngsters prolly haven’t a clue who Gerard Hoffnung was :shock:
Edit: Replaced broken youtube link: sl different rendition



My Father used to recite that to us when we were young....

Pete....

We are old :mrgreen:
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