Heeeeeeere's New Years Eve
I went to a taxidermy class tonight.
It only lasted for 30 minutes, but they still managed to cram a lot in.
At the beginning of this year I made a promise (to myself) to lose 2st by Christmas
Only got 3st to go.....
Who are we?
Women
What do we want?
We don't know
When do we want it?
Now
Just manufactured the first mind controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.
My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.
My wife woke up with a puzzled look on her face this morning.
She had fallen asleep on her jigsaw
I look at Britain these days and think, "This is not the country my Granddad fought for."...
Mind you, he was in the Luftwaffe.
So I said to the decorator: "What is Satin Finish?"
He said: "No idea, but if it's any help I know what Chair is in Swedish".
I just saw an empty police van go past.
I thought hmm ... they're taking no prisoners.
"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.
I Just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, most of all good health! These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shart and send it on.
So, after all we've been though together this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you a happy 2018!
You are the best gymnastics group anyone could ask for.
Best wishes, Judith xx
Whenever I hear about a whale washing up on the beach,....I always wonder "How big were the rubber gloves?"
For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table yesterday I said, "I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial."
"Parsnips?" my Wife interjected.
"Well I don't know if it's gone chest high, but it's pretty deep."
I don't know what's scarier at this point, taking a lateral flow or weighing yourself
BREAKING NEWS . The England cricket team has officially beat the Wuhan Street market for the worst use of a bat ever.
My eye doctor told me that my test results came back. I asked if I could see them and she said, “probably not.”
If I had a pound for every time I went to Morrisons
I would be able to use their trolleys.
Just found pebbles stuck in my pond filter.
Fred and Wilma are going to be devastated.
As this year ends and a new one begins, remember, plenty of nookie keeps the brain active. Happy 2019 everyone
I have a friend called Jay.
We call him 'J' for short.
I’m selling a Mohammed Ali DVD and a George Foreman Grill… Both boxed…
(sorry... I'll get me coat...)
Mother nature," you can't have all the seasons in a week"
Yorkshire, " hold my beer"
I've just created a new game show about making hats.
It’s called
‘Who wants to be a milliner?’
My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.
I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?"
"It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him."
That's All Folks........ For 2021
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q