For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By eltonioni
#1844225
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, some days I think I'm a yurt, but other days I think I'm a wigwam".

"Ah" says the doctor, "don't worry, you're just too tense".
User avatar
By OCB
#1846895
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Pete L liked this
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By PeteSpencer
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847193
BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab
Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.
Nick liked this
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By Trent772
#1847196
Many apologies.....

I have just managed to assemble the next expression of dire satire.......






I was going to call my son Times New Roman, but the Vicar used the wrong font.


From my window I can see a skip full of Mick Jagger's stage clothing.
It's literally a Stone's throwaway.


Thinking of booking a week on the Greek Island of Domestos - it's supposed to have a great bleach.


Said to our lass - if I'm going to die then I want it to be when I'm having sex, she said, at least it'll be quick then.


Tear Jerker.....
This will surely warm your heart.........

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for our food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and Justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then he did something I will remember for the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ****, you grumpy old bitch! "


I bought a 'Sounds Of The Rainforest' CD.
It's not at all relaxing.
It starts off with birds chirping, and then it's all chainsaws and bulldozers.


I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'


My car broke down today, a car pulled up in front of me, a man got out and asked if he could help. I said are you a mechanic, he said no I am a podiatrist, I said what good are you, he said I can give you a toe...


My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.


I recently went with my wife to her final consultation before having a gastric band fitted. The consultant said that in order to finalise a date for the surgery he would have to liaise with Mr Yeti who he always operated with. I asked him why the operation required 2 surgeons and he said that he himself always did the incision and the fitting of the band but the closure was always performed by Mr Yeti because...........he was the abdominal sewman.


Just so you are all warned my last word will probably be "Ooops"...


My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking...
Apparently ‘Slimming World’ was not the right answer.


A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."


I was filling out a gym membership and dropped the pen.
"Can I have another one please?" I asked the receptionist.
"Can’t you just pick that one up?" she sniffed.
"Why do you think I'm here?"


Why do people point to their wrist when asking the time, but don't point to their bum when asking where the toilet is.


"What's up?" I asked my wife.
"You’re not supposed to say you have a favourite child," she hissed at me.
"Everyone does, secretly," I defended myself.
"Well, at least make it one of ours."


When I was walking the dog today I got talking to a lady with a beautiful thoroughbred Bulldog so I warned her that dogs are being stolen for breeding these days . She thanked me and informed me that our local dog groomer masturbates the dogs then freezes the sperm to sell. I find it incredible the things people do ......... so I booked myself in for a trim on Wednesday


Our local vicar has taken a second job working for the Post Office
We call him
'Pastor Parcel'


So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.


My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Sadly, a friend of mine recently received a written warning from her job as a body language coach, apparently she failed to turn up for a random shrug test ..


I've found a job helping a one handed typist with capital letters, trouble is it's shift work.


The man who invented the speed boat has passed away, his funeral is tomorrow followed by his wake.


The chap who invented Strepsils passed recently too. There was no Coffin.


Attempted to smuggle a rugby ball through customs, well it was worth a try.


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred


Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
It was two months before she realised she could use it in the afternoon.


....in Construction news, a new innovative and pioneering pneumatic drill has just been invented and is being hailed as ground breaking...


Quote from an ex-RAF type:
In BA I flew with a Flight Engineer who had been the FE on a Royal Charter. The Tristar was flown by a couple of management pilots who left their office desks and commandeered the flight, rather than allow some common (but in current practice) line pilots to have the honour.
At destination these guys well and truly planted the aircraft. As the passengers were disembarking, Prince Philip stuck his head into the flight deck and said, " If you chaps are looking for your undercarriage, it's right up my wife's ****".


I’m sure that the gambling addiction helpline would get a lot more calls if every 10th caller won a prize or something!


I asked my hairdresser if she had ever given a henna rinse ?
No she said, but I once gave a duck a bath.


“Your driving is awful,” I said to my wife this morning
“It would help if you told me where I should be going!” She yelled, “Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???”
“Do a left,” I replied calmly, “Then do a right between the swings and slide.”


My yoga instructor was drunk last night.
That put me in an awkward position.


A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a “ Double Entendre “ , so he gave her one.


Saw and add in my local paper.
Boxer dogs for sale.
I phoned and asked....
How many dogs in a box?


My mate says he'll never visit Yorkshire again. He went into a supermarket and asked where he could find towels... they sent him to a ruddy bird sanctuary!


I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".


Sorry we missed you.
Your parcel has been taken back to our sorting office because:
☐ You were showering
☐ You were on toilet
✓ You blinked


I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into my school tie after all these years.


I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.


I shouted to my wife in the kitchen "When I die love, I'm leaving everything to you"
She replied "you already do you lazy git"


A friend of mine trying to go vegan asked how she could give up poultry. I said cold turkey.


After my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for 20 years. But now I’m out of jail I can honestly say it was worth it...


Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about the herbs and fish was inappropriate.
I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.


We know that today so many sad things have happened.....
But have you ever come home from a long day's work... only to find that you'd forgotten to switch on the Slow Cooker?


With the strong winds we've been having, I'm increasingly concerned about the shed in the garden.
It definitely wasn't there yesterday.


Well at least the small hospital I'm going to has a restaurant and it is next to urology - a small catheteria.


I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Great legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! ... Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches... But, was worth it.



"I hear your husband just died?"
"Yes, it was very sudden".
"Did he have any last words"
"He did indeed. He said, 'Yes, your bum does look big in that".


Just found out that my best friend suffers from turrets, every time he sees a castle he starts swearing


My wife said earlier: "I am going out for the morning. Do you want anything?"
Me: "No, that's enough."


I just invented a thought controlled air freshener.
Sounds crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.


DANGER: DO NOT TOUCH must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.


My consultant has told me that I will need complete rest after my operation, but after two weeks I can start doing some light housework.
I said "well that's alright but I live 75 miles from the coast"


A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits ?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and furwwy bwack wabby or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there ?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit !!!"


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."


I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over again.


The wife just said I was an animal in bed last night....
What's a Sloth ?


As summertime approaches, our local garden centre was selling garden shelters ridiculously cheaply. I was wondering do they really keep out the sun and rain, or are they just a plazebo?


I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty second lover.


Kids today don't know how well off they are..
I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas.
No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs.


The builders working on my house forgot their trowels today. There was a lot of finger-pointing, I'll tell you!


Statistics show that one in three people are unfaithful.
I'm not sure if it's my wife or girlfriend?!


BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian Covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab
Please start taking this Indian Covid variant seriously !! My neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.


9.34am Arrived at crime scene
9.34am Found footprints in garden
9.34am Noticed signs of forced entry
9.34am Examined body (signs of a struggle)
9.34am Found murder weapon in bushes
9.34am Realized watch had stopped

2.24pm Got new battery fitted at Timpsons


Have a great weekend..... :clown:
mick w, Nick, Paultheparaglider and 2 others liked this
User avatar
By akg1486
#1847209
Trent772 wrote:"What's up?" I asked my wife.
"You’re not supposed to say you have a favourite child," she hissed at me.
"Everyone does, secretly," I defended myself.
"Well, at least make it one of ours."

Change the last word to ”yours” and it would be even funnier. :lol:
Trent772 liked this
User avatar
By Morten
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1847479
Trent772 wrote:Many apologies.....
I have just managed to assemble the next expression of dire satire.......
[... snip...]

I just sent 10 of those to my mates to see if I could make them laugh. But it didn't work. No pun in ten did.
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