For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By Flying_john
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1611747
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending church. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
GolfHotel, Nick, OCB and 4 others liked this
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By OCB
#1612200
Apparently Holland and Barett wanted a jingle to go along with their well balanced complex polyunsaturated supplements, based on fish oils.

The 3,6,9 part was fine.
However, the Goose has filed for an EU “right to be forgotten” privacy ruling as it’s been 5 years since he touched a drop of wine.

The monkey has made it clear that chewing tobacco on public transport has been banned since the early 90s, and since his boss lost his job to a certain G.Bush Senior, he no longer takes the street car line.

All parties deny ever going to an ethereal paradise in a compact self-propelled skiff.

The monkey, despite press reports to the contrary, is adamant the line held - and he must definitely didn’t choke.

Those videos on YouTube aren’t him, and “choking the monkey” has become a malapropism.

Shirley Ellis has been asked to comment. but given her demise in 2005 it’s expected to take some time for a response.
Nick, Chris Martyr liked this
By Chris Martyr
#1612302
In which case , may one be reasonably sure that the rubber dolly remained unpurchased on the shelf of the toy shop ?

As for the soldier ? I guess we should assume that Shirley's auntie has also dropped off her perch and is unable to corroborate whether Shirley planted a smacker on his lips or not .
By Bill Haddow
#1612349
. . twice last night then once again this morning .
. . not as big a surprise as the Invisible Man got .
. . but I ended up back in Omar Sharif's moustache.
. . Oh no ! I'll never get the smell off the fish !
. . and all I said was, "Fowler's Modern English Usage - that's a funny book to want to be read to from out of"

Bill H
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By Morten
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1613551
Timewarp on Planecheck today:


Clearly not attracting many buyers of it's been on offer for that long ;)
By Chris Martyr
#1615132
clarkebarry wrote:- Tooth hurt-y!


Well if he's going to tell that one , then I'm gonna drag out this old chestnut about the dyslexic alcoholic.

[ He choked on his own Vimto ]
User avatar
By Flintstone
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1615181
Or the dyslexic, pet loving agnostic who lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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