I splashed out at Screwfix and purchased a stud finder, trouble is every time I pick it up the alarm sound's.
Gene Pitney's undertakers have said that it will take two weeks to make him a coffin from
Oak - or twenty four hours from balsa.
You know you're one of the older ones at work, when you say, "It's Friday, it's five to five and it's... "
and your colleagues shout, "Weekend!!!"
I woke up this morning to find someone had painted the word LEWL on my front door.
I rang the police who agreed it’s well out of order.
My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks...I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She said, "Abracadabra!" and me mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked.... poor Dave must've wondered what the heck was going on
Have to ask, how many of you remember the worst winters of the sixties,
Mike and Bernie.
Just had an interview at Confused.Com...
Not sure if they offered me the job or not.
When we were last in Turkey on holiday, we came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline , inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and finished off with a moustache trim and an alcohol rub. Honestly! The wife has never looked so good .
Went to see 50 Shades of Grey last night with my wife - she asked me if I ever wanted to put a gag in her mouth.
For once I didn't answer.
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps:
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’
‘The one I’m looking for will be.’
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.
Always remember my mum used to wash in Tide, when I asked her why, she said it was too damned cold out tide.
Many, many years ago my great grandmother used to be in service, it was her job to get the family up for breakfast so she used to shout jokes at them.
Yes she was a teasemaid.
Englishman, Jewish man and Scotsman went out for a meal. When the bill arrived, the Englishman said “Who’s paying “?
The Jewish man said “I will”….
Next days headlines in the paper read..’ Scottish ventriloquist found murdered’
After months of experimenting at work we have finally invented concrete birdseed. Its not only good, it’s impeccable.
I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act.
Wife suggested I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, so I did. Got a round of applause but banned from going back.
Today I made some burgers from scratch. My wife refuses to eat any of them, she loved her pet cat.
I told my mate the doctor that I'm having problems in the bedroom - He prescribed me Viagra.
How the hell's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe?
I wonder if twins realise one of them was unwanted????
'You've reached the voicemail of Gladys Knight....
Please leave a message after The Pips!
I will get my coat this time......
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q