For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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User avatar
By Trent772
#1899846
Well - Yer not doing much tomorrow, so here goes !



During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke


Well, it just goes to show, you never know who's reading your jokes. I've been contacted by Michael McIntyre's agent and asked if I'd like to join his team of writers. I'm gutted, I always thought I was quite funny.


Tried to warn my mate about the dangers of Russian Roulette,
but it went straight in one ear and out the other!


Jimmy Greaves was famous for playing football in the 60s.
His sister, Freda was a famous pop star in the 70s


My wife was allowed one last visit before I started my sentence.
"I've baked you a cake," she winked and lowered her voice,
"I've hidden something inside it that might help you in prison."
"What is it?" I whispered, "A file?"
"No silly. A jar of Vaseline.".


I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships .
I took gold , silver and bronze .


I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is.
Or what kind of trumpet he played!


Has the Imperial War Museum gone metric yet?


My granddaughter came up to me and asked "What's your favourite telly tubby ?"
I said "Probably the new Samsung widescreen you cheeky little
whipper-snapper!"


Somebody asked me what was the most expensive trip I'd been on, well I took the cat to the vets last week.


Congratulations to the Queen on going Platinum.
I didn't even know she had an album out.


Pharaoh's were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.


A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
“A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bugger. He's never been out of the garden!"



So my wife said this morning "Wow my nipples are as hot as they were 50 years ago".
I said, "They oughta be, ones in your porridge and the others in your coffee.


Had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it, having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her froo froo was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said, “That’ll be Our Monica”.


My Missus said she wanted to spice up our sex life with some role-playing . She wanted me to be a doctor and she was going to be my patient. I agreed so I've given her a phone appointment next Thursday at 11am.


Deaf sheepdogs...they’re hard to come by


Don't run with bagpipes you could put an aye out.


Breaking news
The Pope is leaving Vatican City.....
......and joining Vatican United.


Just to help you all out there, a valentine's poem you can have.
Roses are red, I like spaghetti, especially with meatballs when will it be ready.



At my funeral I have requested the vicar tells one of my jokes........... followed by a minute's silence.


So I just complained bitterly to the Post office that I didn't get any Valentine's day cards yet, they reckon it isn't their fault.
It certainly is, I posted them over a week ago.


My wife just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."


Well.... I got 14 valentines cards, 7 helium balloons, 4 bunches of flowers, 5 boxes of chocolates 2 bottles of good wine, almost took my breath away!
That bliddy security guard at Tesco can run fast.


Three students doing a psychiatry lesson, the first student was asked "What’s the opposite of joy" She said "sorrow", the 2nd student was asked "What’s the opposite of depression" He said "happiness".
Then paddy was asked "What’s the opposite of woe" he replied "Giddy up!"


In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this toilet.


Old favourite of mine,
Coloured bloke arrives at pearly gates, he was asked if he done anything good or brave so they would let him..
He said that he had made love to a white woman whilst leaning up against the KKK building. Wow said St Peter that was brave, just when did that happen, ? About ten minutes ago was the reply.


It's long but good :pirat:


Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila


Dear Diary,
Today my friends asked me to go camping so I made a list of the things I will need:
1. New friends


My wife says she's going to bury me in tap shoes so if I try and haunt her she can hear me coming.


***** Breaking News *****

Reports are coming in about more shocking behaviour involving footballers and animals.
The Leeds Utd football team were seen playing football with a hedgehog.
Police were called and by the time they arrived the hedgehog was 2-1 up.


Damned storm Dudley just cost me a fortune, both wheelie bins are now on speed awareness courses now.


I'll get me coat....... :mrgreen:
JAFO, OCB liked this
User avatar
By Paul_Sengupta
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1899926
Trent772 wrote:At my funeral I have requested the vicar tells one of my jokes........... followed by a minute's silence.


Was that originally Bob Monkhouse? Please tell me it was, it sounds like one of his!
User avatar
By Trent772
#1899968
Paul_Sengupta wrote:
Trent772 wrote:At my funeral I have requested the vicar tells one of my jokes........... followed by a minute's silence.


Was that originally Bob Monkhouse? Please tell me it was, it sounds like one of his!



Can't find the source - came from our Jokemeister on our WhatsApp group
User avatar
By akg1486
#1900369
The weather often gives us the finger this time of year, but rarely this explicitely:
Image
Nick liked this
User avatar
By HedgeSparrow
#1900448
akg1486 wrote:The weather often gives us the finger this time of year, but rarely this explicitely:

Glad to see it's properly using two fingers in the salute, not that American single-digit abomination.
:thumleft:
User avatar
By akg1486
#1900482
HedgeSparrow wrote:
akg1486 wrote:The weather often gives us the finger this time of year, but rarely this explicitely:

Glad to see it's properly using two fingers in the salute, not that American single-digit abomination.
:thumleft:

To me it looks like one finger--the middle one--but hey: it's a cloud that may or may not have been photoshopped on its way to Twitter where I found it. :-D
By Cessna571
#1900525
I’m working in Python at the minute, and I’ve just genuinely accidentally said in a meeting.

“Ok, shall we wrap this up, I’m going to go and fiddle with my python”.
User avatar
By T6Harvard
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1900539
Cessna571 wrote:I’m working in Python at the minute, and I’ve just genuinely accidentally said in a meeting.

“Ok, shall we wrap this up, I’m going to go and fiddle with my python”.


Which suit will you be wearing for the HR interview?
User avatar
By OCB
#1900719
Paultheparaglider wrote:@eltonioni , tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

Better to let 1,000 women have a vote than have one want you to buy them a wedding ring. :wink:


Caveat emptor?
User avatar
By OCB
#1900940
Claude (French exec) had an English class that he didn't particularly like.

Teach asked him to make a conversation containing the words "red", "green" and "yellow"

Claude exhibited a bit of a Gaulish distain, twiddled his expensive Mon Blanc pen on the desk - and finally said...

"ammm...ehhhhh...,
I vaz in ze 'otel room.

I red ze newzpaper.

Ze telephone at ze side of the ze bed went "green green",

I pick-ed up ze telephone and said

"yellow"
Dave W liked this
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