For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By kanga
#1892918
Paultheparaglider wrote:Q. What is the definition of a bigamist?

A. Someone with one wife too many.

Q. What is the definition of a monogamist?

A. Someone with one wife too many.


while (obviously :wink: ) deploring the above sentiment, I am reminded of the Lear:


There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at one time.
When asked: "Why the third?'
He replied: "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
User avatar
By Sir Morley Steven
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1893164
So is polygamy.

It is unlikely that was written by Lear. His flowed better and nearly all finished with the same word as the last one in the first line.
The webasphere says it might be William Monkhouse (no relation to Bob)

Here’s a good Lear one

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

Or one by Spike Milligan.

There was an old man from Bombay
Who got stung on the leg by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He replied “not a bit”
It can do it again if it likes!”

Or one by anon

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who got on a bus bound for Ealing
A note on the door
Said “don't spit on the floor”
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.
By Bill McCarthy
#1893173
A policeman from Clapham Junction
Had a **** that wouldn’t function
So for the rest of his life
He kidded his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon.
By LowNSlow1
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1893182
To Hell with Dry January here are some jokes for Ginuary

‘I exercise strong self-control – I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.’
- WC Fields

‘I like to have a Martini, two at the very most, after three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.’
- Dorothy Parker

I drank so much gin last night I’ve woken up with a London Dry accent.

They say gin can damage your short-term memory. If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.

If you walk a mile in my shoes. you’ll end up in a gin bar.

I love water - especially when it’s frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar - and orders a gin, and tonic.

I tried to say no to gin - but it’s 42.5% stronger than me.

‘A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.’
- Noel Coward

‘The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth and one of the shortest lived.’
- Bernard de VoTo

A true friend reaches for your hand … and puts a glass of gin in it.

Stop saying I’m hard to buy for – you know where the gin aisle is.

‘I don’t know what reception I’m at, but for God’s sake give me a gin and tonic.’
- Denis Thatcher

Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?

A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: ‘That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here.’
The gorilla replies: ‘With prices like that, I'm not surprised.’

Save water - drink gin.

There’s a place and a time for gin. My mouth and now.

Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It’s me talking to the gin.

Don’t cry over spilt milk: it could have been gin.

‘My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin. Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.’
- W C Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a gin.

What do you call someone who’s never had a G&T?
A virgin.

‘Trust me you can dance.’
- Gin

When life gives you lemons (or limes) make a gin and tonic.

PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY. Don’t spill it.

‘The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.’
- Phyllis Diller

A gin and tonic has 91 calories. A banana has 115 calories. My doctor told me to make the healthy choice. I love my doctor.

A dyslexic gin drinker walks into a bra.

A yawn is a silent scream for gin.

I want someone to look at me the same way I look at gin.

Why do pirates prefer rum bars to gin bars?
Mo'lasses.
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By flybymike
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1893183
JAFO wrote:@Sir Morley Steven - I can't explain why but Spike's beats them all hands down.


Spike Milligan on “Return to Sorrento”:

"I must go down to the sea again,
To the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my vest and socks there -
I wonder if they're dry."
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By Trent772
#1893191
Right You Shabby Lot....... :mrgreen: :mrgreen:


Christmas was a fruitful time in The Locked In Nutters Whatsapp group. I do apologise :pirat:



I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water.
Didn’t go down well

My new year resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth, I bet yours is to lose all that weight I noticed you've put on.

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill...
Fuming as it turns out it was a rubbish tip...

I find that I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka

I've just come back from the national housebuilding championships..
I made it through to the semis

Everyone knows we need bees but did you know that bees killed 820,000 in 2020. The worst species is the Hepatitis Bee.

I've decided to be less condescending to people from now on.
(Condescending means talking down to people like they're stupid)

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


At this point, I think Brian had overdosed on the trifle and crackers....


My old girlfriend was always falling in love.
She fell in love with a tarmacer and loved her asphalt

She fell in love with a paper hanger and he gave her a good pasting!

She fell in love with a lumberjack.
But he gave her the chop.

She fell in love with a window salesman and saw right through him

She fell in love with a fisherman and caught crabs.

She fell in love with an astronaut but he was a waste of space.

She fell in love with a barrister but the appeal was soon gone

She fell in love with a fishmonger who left her gutted.

She fell in love with a pilot and kissed him under the hangars

Going for worse one ever.

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from the local supermarket, even better - it comes with Aldi king's horse's and Aldi king's men.

Ok sorry.

So the Hunchback of Notre Dame retired today.
He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells.

When my son first left home he was to start an apprenticeship with Tottenham Hotspur. To save any embarrassment we told friends and neighbours he’d been sent to prison for molesting a goat.

Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, that I was having trouble in the bedroom.
So he gave me some Viagra!
Cant see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes?

In another 3028 years, things could be either good or bad, who knows
It's 5050.

My mate’s dad used to dig up old car parts, he was a Morris miner.

Last night, I gave my wife a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

I went into a car show room
The guy behind the desk said
“What are you looking for?”
I said because I can’t afford to buy one.

New dog cross breeds The following new cross breeds are now
recognized by the Kennel club - allegedly!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collle + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true.

Bull Terrier + ****
You figure it out!

Please don't tell me that I am the only person to have bought tickets for Take That and ended up at a kleptomaniacs jumble sale.

I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".
He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus so I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's.""Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

I'm not saying my New Year's
Resolution is going badly but I've already finished all my Easter Eggs.

Me: Whenever I'm doing a crossword my wife never wants me to succeed in completing it
Therapist: I hope you don't get too down
Me: Oh God not you too...

So my puncture repair business has been so successful, I have now bought a mansion house.
And to think I only started with a small flat..

Teacher: "Who was the first person to sail around the world single handed?
Johnny: "Captain Hook Miss".
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By eltonioni
#1893228
Has Covid 19 meant that you've had to wear glasses and a face mask at the same time?

Call the claims hotline now to find out if you're due condensation.
Dave W, kanga liked this
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By OCB
#1893412
avtur3 wrote:Image


An ex-boss told me about the “ampersand” department he used to work with.

Apparently their official title was “Research & Development”, but apparently they did no research nor development…thence their “ampersand” moniker…
T6Harvard, kanga liked this
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