For help, advice and discussion about stuff not related to aviation. Play nice: no religion, no politics and no axe grinding please.
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By Trent772
#1887087
Earwig 0



Well it's good to see that the first issue of constipation monthly comes with a free ring binder.


Did you know that if you replace chocolate with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of the little joy you have left in your life?


Been to Tesco's this morning and saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought...
Wonder what his handicap is?


So I went to the Doctors this morning, he said I've now got very low blood pressure.
So he's given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes.


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.... For example I'm going to the wine store & I'm scared it will be closed......


Not wishing to brag or anything but I have just been into another room and remembered why I went in there,,
Ok it was the bathroom but hey...


I was walking home the other night with blood pouring from my nose when I bumped into my mate “ What happened to you” he asked “ Well I went to the boxing at the town hall but they wouldn’t let me in unless I was double jabbed “


As I was passing a pet shop I noticed a sign in the window next to a cat saying genuine Netherlands cat for sale, I had my doubts so I went in and asked “How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”


My wife asked me this morning if I’d seen the dog bowl?
I said “To be honest, I didn’t even know he played cricket”.


After an hour of applying her new beauty products, my wife said... How old do you think I look?
I said, from your skin I'd say 24, from your figure I'd say 27, from your eyes I'd say 25....
She said.. Oh darling you're so sweet
I said... Hang on, I haven't finished adding it all up yet.


Asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"


The doctor told me I could have one drink of whisky before I go to bed.
Last night I went to bed 5 times.


Bought a good telescope and set it up outside to look at the moon then went inside, later my wife said its waning so I had to rush outside to cover it up. Never mind I'll try again tomorrow.


A man has been shot with a starting pistol, police are wondering if it was race related.


‘Where did all these moths come from?’
Thomas Edison 1879


My old boss used to call me The Computer, nothing to do with intelligence just that I used to go to sleep if ignored for 15mins.


My wife put a note in my pocket saying, 'iMac for my birthday please.'
Anything to keep her happy, but I think it's called Veet now.


Just saw Cat Stevens' narrow boat floating down the canal.
Mooring has broken.


Cashew,,,,, the sound a nut makes when it sneezes.


I’m just on the M1 in a huge queue doing 15 mph behind a wide-load lorry carrying a fairground ride. We’re all screaming but he won’t go any faster.


Back in the 70’s my mate played guitar for Hot Chocolate…..
If he played really well he got a biscuit too…


Horatio Nelson didn't design his uniform, but,he had a hand in it.

Sorry!


A bloke takes his new car back to the garage and says to the mechanic "I just don't understand it, every time I drive past a vicar there's a beep and a number appears on the instrument panel"
"Don't worry about it" says the owner, "that's the Rev counter"

Yeah!


Many have heard of Claude Monet the artist, but few know of his siblings -
Pocket and Dinner.


Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.
So now I've got this Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!


She looks like a toaster…
Walks like a toaster…
Talks like a toaster..
Now I know why…. She’s a Breville in disguise..


So - sat quietly with the wife when she asked, "If they made a film of my life, who do you think should play me"
All right..... I know now that Margaret Rutherford is the wrong answer, but the coffee in A&E is OK.


Paddy walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," I then showed him a photo.
Confused, he said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair."
"I know, mate," Paddy replied. "I just told you she's missing!!


My wife said let's spice things up and play doctors and nurses - It was going really well 'til I diagnosed her as clinically obese


Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally, he gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.


Well thanks to me this morning my wife got out of bed with a huge smile on her face.
Love my granddaughter's felt tip pens...


A man is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any legs.
The man says, 'I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
The man replies, 'You actually understood and answered me?'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah? Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked,
I wrap my willy around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
OK and you really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $100.00 price tag 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $50, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $50, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'


I spoke to my blind date on the phone and we arranged to meet at a restaurant..
Me.. How will I recognise you?
Her.. I'm 5'4" and weigh 48kg.... how will I recognise you?
Me..I guess I'll be the one carrying a tape measure and a set of bathroom scales.


Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.


In a dark room, looking into a crystal ball, the fortune teller gave me the news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, prepare yourself to be a widower. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year." I was shaken, and stared back at the old woman's lined face, then down at her shaking hands. I took a few deep breaths to compose myself. A question forced it's way out... I had to know.. I met the Fortune Teller's gaze, and steadying my voice I asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


My wife wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see the Temptations for Christmas.
Instead, I’m taking her to Primark to get her four tops.


Still remember that nosey bugger in my shop going on about my exit sign flickering. Look I told him it's on the way out.


My wife is starting to loose her grip…… Lucky for me, I was starting to black out.


The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait,,, I love Shepherd's Pie.


Passing the mirror the other morning I thought - hmm getting a lot of lines on my face lately, then I realised that perhaps the new Corduroy Pillow might not be a good idea.


Don’t use “beefstew” as your password.
It’s not stroganoff.


Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up..
Ruddy cold caller's


The next time you feel a little down just remember that on Facebook there is,,, The Corrugated Iron Appreciation Society and you're not a member, but 10,000 are.


"Can I have a coffee please."
"A coffee?" he laughed, "Sir, this is Starbucks so you're going to have to be a bit more specific."
"OK. Can I have a coffee please you pretentious condescending t***......!"


My wife has just bought one of those skirts that you can just see her bum sticking out.
Shame it's knee length.


Handy hint for a DIY-er how to turn your sofa into a sofa bed.
Forget your wife's birthday.


As a child there is nothing more embarrassing than your Mum going topless on holiday...
I haven't been back to Legoland since.


Jürgen is sending his wife and kids to Germany.
Yes, the Klopps go back on Saturday


I always thought my grandad was a war hero, but apparently he was hit by a number 12 bus going to Uxbridge & was killed in Acton


Last night my wife called me from up the stairs and said she's putting a black lace number on. Bloody brilliant I said to myself, I love Agadoo.


Just been watching women's golf and thought how true to life, shart at driving but good with an iron.


3rd cold caller this week
Feckin' Eskimos.


As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed the baseball bat (security stick) - and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"I thought I heard an intruder, I came downstairs to scare him."
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, "You didn't need the bat!"


It has taken a while but I can now confidently say ' shoelaces ' in several different languages including Thai.


There’s a new children’s book come out about Pavlov’s dogs and Schroedinger's Cat going on an adventure together.
I went to the library to see if I could borrow it, but the Librarian said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.


My granddaughter' asked me, "which is your favourite telly tubby, I said 40" Samsung you cheeky rug rat.


I've just read that Cold Play have been booked to play at Old Trafford in December, I've put £20 on them to win.


Due to my problems I’ve even bought a face mask for my pet duck, it’s nothing fancy but it fits the bill


I came home yesterday and the wife had been on eBay all day
If she doesn’t sell tonight I’ll lower the price,


I went into a shop and asked "Do you sell Aardvarks?"
The shop keeper said
"This is a Hardware shop, I think you need to go to Specsavers"
So l went to Specsavers and they don't sell them either.


I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.


Welcome to the Acupuncture self help line .
Please enter PIN .


My mind is like Google, I have 19 tabs open, 5 of them are frozen and I've no idea where the music is coming from!


I’ve got a date with a woman from the sewing machine factory.
I don’t know her well, but she seams nice.


My numbers came up on the Alaska lottery. I couldn't claim a prize because you have to be Inuit to win it


I see on the news one of those Ecco buses that is powered by human waste in Bristol has been involved in an accident.
Avon and Somerset police said accident investigators were examining a huge skid mark left on a bend....


Nobody wants to be alone at this time of the year..
My recently divorced friend is hopeful of finding romance again despite the beer belly and being completely bald.....
I really don't like her chances


A bloke is rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "



I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."


Last night whilst watching television I said to the wife "you know what you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston".
She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?" I said "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18".
I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15,


Ah it's that time of year,
Check out the video for The Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Apparently, they fell out big time during the recording as it was really cold in the studio. Bowie gave Bing a really old woolly hat to wear but he insisted on a new one with a proper pom pom !


Disappointed to be charged £15.99 for a plate of calamari this evening. I expected it would just be a couple of squid.


Ta Daaaaaaaa

Happy Saturnalia :thumleft:
Earl Grey, seanxair, T6Harvard and 9 others liked this
User avatar
By Trent772
#1887142
T6Harvard wrote:Blimey @Trent772 , that was an opus magnus. What next? War and Peas...


Our Whatsapp group has gone into pre Santa overdrive :lol:
T6Harvard liked this
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By OCB
#1887398
@Trent772 - I'm currently on a dull as dishwater, but highly important IT migration conference call...that was brilliant, but I need more :D

There were a few jokes in there that clearly will die along with us older Brits and Anglophones - but a small number had my funny bone tweaking, this one below is almost exactly the real life incident from a colleague originally from Doncaster:

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed the baseball bat (security stick) - and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"I thought I heard an intruder, I came downstairs to scare him."
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, "You didn't need the bat!"

What actually happened:
My colleague woke up early one morning to find a burglar staring at him at the bottom of his bed - both were pretty startled. The burglar was taking advantage of an entire apartment building (an old Brussels townhouse converted into flats) being empty as all the Eurocrats had gone home for the holidays. Stuart (his real name) jumped out of bed in his birthday suit, chased the burglar down the stairs - and for quite some distance down the boulevard his apartment was next to.

Apparently the local CCTV would have shown a doughy bodied, lilly-white naked Englishman with a decent sized beer belly chasing an utterly terrified 50 something burglar ...apparently he was ready to beat the intruder to death with his "morning glory".

That's a video I never want to see....
Pete L, Trent772 liked this
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By OCB
#1887399
Prompted from the fantastic post above:

Ginko Viagra - helps you remember why the f ck you went into the room in the first place.

Apparently, Mark Knoplfer has done so well as the singer of Dire Straights - when he dies, he'll give plenty away.

His Monet for nothing, and his chique for free.....
User avatar
By OCB
#1887410
Boxkite wrote:Straits

:thumright:

I grew up in the 70s and 80s - most of our music was "taped from a mate who had a tape of the tape"

Thanks for making this Strait
By Paultheparaglider
#1887475
kanga wrote:
.. but profuse apologies to all Forumites by trying to make a (feeble) joke which opened the door to a less humorous discussion. Yes, let's get back to using this thread only for jokes, good or bad.


Speaking of which, and opening the door back on the humour while continuing on the Number 10 theme...

kanga, T6Harvard liked this
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By skydriller
FLYER Club Member  FLYER Club Member
#1887528
There's nothing worse than not being invited to the party, eh??...
...except when there wast one, of course... :lol:
...Or at least there were no drinks... :|
...or were there... :shock: :drunken:



Regards SD..

(My appologies, I believe I commented on the said post, but I do recall making a joke too...At least I thought it was funny... :oops: )
Rob L liked this
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By kanga
#1887559
to continue the gently political theme .. opportunity missed for topical headline:

"Unauthorised early light shed on Downing Street activity, forestalls planned disclosure"

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-59615114 :wink:
User avatar
By eltonioni
#1887578
Especially for @Paultheparaglider

Cracker season should get us all back on track with the bad jokes :D

Image

:santa:
Paultheparaglider liked this
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