A woman finds her young daughter in her bedroom at home, playing Doctor with her next door neighbour's son.
Angry, she grabs the young boy by the arm and drags him down the stairs - out of the front door and right round to his own house.
She hammers loudly on the door until the boy's mother appears.
She tells the boy's mother what he had been up to.
The boy's mother shrugs and says, "But it's only natural for young boys and girls to be inquisitive at that age" "Inquisitive?" Screamed the girl's mother, "He's removed her bliddy appendix!!!"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's bum was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me.
If you lot get that, I will be impressed !
Dave was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear in and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dave decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Dave. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dave. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dave thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dave. Although he survived, it took several months before Dave fully recovered.
Now Dave was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
They've carried out a poll to see if they did the right thing, 6 out of 7 aren't happy.
Again........ get that and I am impressed.
My tribute to the late, great Les Dawson: ‘I had two unhappy marriages. The first wife died; the second one didn’t’.
Tried to get my wife to repeat this,. Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead.
Yesterday I went to a local boot sale and found a really old Elvis record that I had never come across before.
The label said, “Wooden Leg”
I said to the stall owner,
“That's strange - I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”
The guy running the stall replied...
"Yeah, he did..."
“But this is the pirate version”
Wife asked me to make a dove Cote for garden, trouble was I didn't have enough timber so made a dove jacket instead.
Doubt this is true but.....
Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.
The letter read,
“Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366. Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Col Maclaren replied;
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month. I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”
A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col Maclaren’s letter box, it read:
“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month. We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
We also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton)
The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland)
The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War)
The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade)
The Boer War (1899 -1902).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
WE have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. WE have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Called in at the gym this morning, lost my membership card, £10.00 for a new one, Bacon and coffee at Greg's £2.80 guess who saved £7.20.
I've acquired some racing geese, let me know if you want a quick gander.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and said that if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number
Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
' No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
Just love going into antique shops and asking what's new.
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under the bliddy bed
I’ve just been to an indoor fairground where none of us knew what any of the rides did !
Then I realised it was a bemusement arcade.
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, WA, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire-fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the fire -fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another f! ire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the Baringa old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat **** fire truck!!'
I always thought Royal Enfield was where the Queen kept her chickens,
A man has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport...
Medics at the scene report he is coming round slowly, so it might not be a serious case.
The wife just said " Is it me or does the cat look fatter, yep I said it, no love it's just you looking fatter. Honest it was a joke, so why does it still hurt.
I’ve just read a biography of Rasputin. Apparently his first name was not Ra-Ra.
I was chatting to an 82yr old bloke in the pub and he told me how he'd won the lottery and just married a stunning 28yr old girl. He was telling me that obviously age might be a problem so he'd started taking Viagra and how he could now make love for hours.
He then started crying.
I said you've no reason to be sad. You've a fantastic life with a wonderful wife.
He said yes I know all that.
So what's the problem I asked.
He said, "I can't remember where I live"
A woman takes her beloved father to a nursing home and pushes him in his wheelchair. As she leaves the old man rises from his chair and leans over to to the right side The alarmed nurse rushes over and steadies him. A few minutes later he leans over to his left side.. Again the nurse rushes over and steadies him. This continues for the next few hours. The next day his daughter comes to visit and asks howe he's getting on with the nursing staff. "Not too bad" he says "But they wont let you fart!"
I've just opened a new account at the Bank of Bonsai.
It's like a regular bank but they have smaller branches.
My joinery is getting better I'm making sheds for chickens or rabbits, I promise I'll give you a good run for your money.
Just found out I've failed my German exam.
I asked the lady in Boots for something that would help with my hearing.
She suggested ear drops, but I was looking more for gifts for the Judge and Jury
So I was sat in the park wondering what kind of crows were around my feet, when one said "ooo matron' and an other said " infamy infamy they've all got it in for me... Hmm They must be Carrion Crows
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills".
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in Paediatric care, Welfare and Diet".
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" They said “It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon".
I add a little excitement, a little spice to your lives and all you do is complain - Q